Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Day 312

Bah. Should get to sleep early tonight as Youngest has to be at school early for a rehearsal but I'm angry and anger is the absolute best emotion to kill sleep.

Had really long unpleasant work day then Eldest decided to do another round of "why did you let Middle have X when you wouldn't let me have Y?!" This, of course, by phone from 300 miles away. I credit long term sobriety as the reason I was able to stay mostly calm with the entire "away" family unit tonight. However that same long term sobriety is also why I now see several unhealthy emotional games being played and I think at least part of my anger is frustration at not being able to do One Thing about anybody -else's- thoughts or feelings or behaviors.

The rest is just plain old "why can't •I• be the center of attention once in a while?" Probably with a side of resentment...so I have plenty of stuff to own in all this not the least of which is the years of my own game-playing and drinking behaviors. Doesn't make me any less ticked right now though.

Writing about it does though so that's something. The act of putting words together into a document is both calming and focusing. Which is good because of previous need-sleep-early comment. Gonna try to do so now that my anger seems to have dissipated.

Gosh it's more than 10 mo this now and creeping up on 11 - even when everything else is kinda crappy that's something good to hold.


  1. Yes!
    Hold on to that wonderful sober time!
    I love just seeing that I am able to live life just fine without drinking, and the more sober days I have the more practice I get!

    1. Yeah, sober is better. Every time I have one of those Lousy Family Arguments I come away from it thinking "that would have been SO much worse if I were drinking or hung over."

  2. Luckily I only have the one child but it still doesn't stop the "my friend has the newest X and a y and they go on vacation 10 times a year................" I can't imagine trying to keep ALL those people happy plus a husband plus ABL, why shouldn't you have a pity party angry resentful moment. You SHOULD be the centre of attention for once, darn tooting you should! That is why I always commend you on treating yourself when you hit a milestone because you DO deserve it.
    I hope you get some sleep and have a better day tomorrow. I for one think you are doing brilliantly well with all you have to do and manage and you still always post a blog.

    1. I did get sleep and it was a better day. Posting - even if it's just a few lines - is a really important part of my sobriety: it keeps me tuned in to the sober world. I'm always worried that if I miss one day it will be that much easier to miss another day and if a few days go by it will be that much easier for That Voice to come back and then boom, where could I be? Nightly check-in feels safer.

  3. It is my ability to deal with my kids emotional growing pains that is, perhaps, my favourite part of sobriety.

    I see it all now. And although I still sometimes get sucked into teen drama and family crap, I no longer allow it to batter me emotionally the way it used to.

    A cranky kids is just cranky - maybe they are hungry angry lonely or tired. HALT is a real thing for them too.

    Now I can help them manoeuvre through these challenges. Before I used to make them worse. I know I did.

    11 months is awesome. Such freedom.


    1. Yeah until I was living it I didn't realize just how -very- much continued sobriety helps in the living-with-other-humans department. It's a really great thing.