Better day.
As expected, woke up cold-free and pain-free which already made it better.
Quiet day at work which helped yet more...and my tedious 4:30 meeting got canceled.
Even so I had another round of down/sad/mad/tired from about 4:30 to about 7:30. Was dreading going home, annoyed when I got there, resentful of the usual evening stuff and just out of sorts. Treated it with some sweets and relaxing with a book for a while before starting dinner but I wasn't back to myself till after dinner and some couch-crash time. Dunno whether it's emotional or physical or both or neither but it's something...yesterday I wrote it all off to being angry-hungry but it was the same today and I made sure to have a snack. It bears watching...but I sure hope it isn't the new normal.
By 8:30 I was perky enough to do a bit of knitting so that was a nice way to end the evening. Now I'm going to try hard for Actual Sleep earlier than the past couple nights as that may be part of this early evening crash.
Funny...now that I'm used to feeling -good- most of the time I'm a lot fussier about anything upsetting the equilibrium. I tolerated and even expected far worse in the drinking past.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Day 375
Bah.
Woke up with the head cold Youngest had last week and also a really irritating bit of neuralgia on my scalp of all places, probably from sitting funny while I did all that knitting this weekend. Then discovered not one, not two but -three- meetings added to my schedule. So not a great day...and then I let myself get way too hungry in the late afternoon even though I know better.
But hey, I can handle not-great. Snacked as soon as I got home and then rounded it out enough to call dinner...and took Aleve as soon as there was food in my stomach. Middle and Youngest went out for dinner (she wanted to try a new fast-food thing) so I gave ABL a Hungry Man which he considers a treat and crashed on the couch. Rose briefly to do lunches and take a muscle relaxer and am now back on the couch. The whole self-care thing is pretty much second nature now.
But damn the nerve pain is annoying. Ah well, the Flexoril should help...either it will loosen up whatever is putting pressure/swelling on the nerve or it will make me sleepy enough not to care. But in either case I think it's time to shuffle off to bed.
If this had happened a couple of years ago my solution would have been to drink, of course. Wouldn't have had any better chance of working but would have guaranteed a lousy tomorrow. This is a clearly superior choice but boy it took a long time to see it that way. I'm grateful to Earlier Me who started down this path.
Monday, May 29, 2017
Day 374
Overall a good day.
Did exactly as I planned I would: banana bread followed by shower. Did it rather earlier than I thought though as the dog decided he was up for the day at 5:45. Took a little nap around 9 to make up for it.
The Meal With Mother In Law wasn't awful just tedious...and Aunt-in-Law brought an awesome vegan casserole. Her church-ladies group has at least one vegan so she brought the dish to a pitch-in and even the carnivores raved and I see why: it was great. Sweet potatoes, quinoa, apricots, sun dried tomatoes and raisins don't -sound- necessarily like they would go together but they sure did.
Better still is that I finished one knitting project and started another - that always feels good. The finished one is a lace scarf I did specifically to wear around other knitters when I eventually go on another knitting vacation (like the cruise a year and a half ago.) I had not realized that one is supposed to wear proof of skill to such an event - never even crossed my mind - so I plan to be prepared next time. The new project is also a lace scarf but it is designed to show off the yarn as it is from my favorite indie dyer.
Knitting complicated lace is something I never would have bothered to try back when I was drinking. Now I have a fancy show-off-y scarf on blocking wires drying in an upstairs bedroom. Sober rocks.
Did exactly as I planned I would: banana bread followed by shower. Did it rather earlier than I thought though as the dog decided he was up for the day at 5:45. Took a little nap around 9 to make up for it.
The Meal With Mother In Law wasn't awful just tedious...and Aunt-in-Law brought an awesome vegan casserole. Her church-ladies group has at least one vegan so she brought the dish to a pitch-in and even the carnivores raved and I see why: it was great. Sweet potatoes, quinoa, apricots, sun dried tomatoes and raisins don't -sound- necessarily like they would go together but they sure did.
Better still is that I finished one knitting project and started another - that always feels good. The finished one is a lace scarf I did specifically to wear around other knitters when I eventually go on another knitting vacation (like the cruise a year and a half ago.) I had not realized that one is supposed to wear proof of skill to such an event - never even crossed my mind - so I plan to be prepared next time. The new project is also a lace scarf but it is designed to show off the yarn as it is from my favorite indie dyer.
Knitting complicated lace is something I never would have bothered to try back when I was drinking. Now I have a fancy show-off-y scarf on blocking wires drying in an upstairs bedroom. Sober rocks.
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Day 373
Much better day. Got the shopping done early, had lots of good knitting time and the new (to me; it's from a nineteen-teens cookbook) recipe was a big hit.
Wish I didn't have to take the family to MiL's for late lunch/early supper tomorrow but there's no getting out of it at this late stage. Sigh. However even the unpleasant stuff is easier sober.
Weekends categorically are easier - I've got the stuff for banana bread laid out in the kitchen and there's no worry at all that strange emotional weirdness will mess any of it up in the night or that I'll be all "oh screw this" in the morning. I can plan to make the bread and then shower while it bakes and be reasonably sure those plans will come to fruition. It seems like a small thing but it's a huge self-esteem boost.
Sleep now though.
Wish I didn't have to take the family to MiL's for late lunch/early supper tomorrow but there's no getting out of it at this late stage. Sigh. However even the unpleasant stuff is easier sober.
Weekends categorically are easier - I've got the stuff for banana bread laid out in the kitchen and there's no worry at all that strange emotional weirdness will mess any of it up in the night or that I'll be all "oh screw this" in the morning. I can plan to make the bread and then shower while it bakes and be reasonably sure those plans will come to fruition. It seems like a small thing but it's a huge self-esteem boost.
Sleep now though.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Day 372
An up and down day.
Had a lot of anger and sadness but all's well that ends well - back to baseline by the time dinner was over and got a lot of good knitting done today.
Now if I could just figure out three more dinners for next week I'll be set. I'm lacto-ovo and Youngest eats no meat except chicken and turkey but doesn't like many vegetables. BiL isn't fussy but Middle is both fussy -and- the kind of carnivore who thinks dinner should be a recognizeable meat, starch and veg. Innotherwords no casseroles. I'll think of something. Maybe stir-fry with the beef on the side. Or something. Sigh.
Anyhow I think it's bedtime.
Had a lot of anger and sadness but all's well that ends well - back to baseline by the time dinner was over and got a lot of good knitting done today.
Now if I could just figure out three more dinners for next week I'll be set. I'm lacto-ovo and Youngest eats no meat except chicken and turkey but doesn't like many vegetables. BiL isn't fussy but Middle is both fussy -and- the kind of carnivore who thinks dinner should be a recognizeable meat, starch and veg. Innotherwords no casseroles. I'll think of something. Maybe stir-fry with the beef on the side. Or something. Sigh.
Anyhow I think it's bedtime.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Day 371
Made it to Friday.
Ended up reading instead of knitting again as I ended up too tired too early in the evening but that's okay.
Nothing at all special happened tonight and that's just fine with me.
Ended up reading instead of knitting again as I ended up too tired too early in the evening but that's okay.
Nothing at all special happened tonight and that's just fine with me.
Thursday, May 25, 2017
Day 370
A very blah day.
Dreary weather, dreary work stuff, Youngest has a cold - the whole day was kind of a downer.
Also I looked into the "community" which runs the restaurant where I had the awesome food yesterday and, sadly, I just can't give them any more of my money. It's definitely a cult and that alone wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but the fact that all those young people making the very tasty food aren't allowed to eat any of it (the tribe members eat a very plain diet) was enough to turn me off...and then I read about their child-rearing practices and it was all over for me. I'll stick to the Thai place or the Mexican place from now on.
On the other hand I have a good book on my Kindle app so the day isn't a total wash. Time to just read in bed till I get sleepy. Maybe something spontaneously good will happen.
Dreary weather, dreary work stuff, Youngest has a cold - the whole day was kind of a downer.
Also I looked into the "community" which runs the restaurant where I had the awesome food yesterday and, sadly, I just can't give them any more of my money. It's definitely a cult and that alone wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but the fact that all those young people making the very tasty food aren't allowed to eat any of it (the tribe members eat a very plain diet) was enough to turn me off...and then I read about their child-rearing practices and it was all over for me. I'll stick to the Thai place or the Mexican place from now on.
On the other hand I have a good book on my Kindle app so the day isn't a total wash. Time to just read in bed till I get sleepy. Maybe something spontaneously good will happen.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
Day 369
A bed-by-nine-thirty day.
Morning meeting, big road trip for work, other associated work nonsense and MiL's ongoing leg pain that my healthcare system keeps all but ignoring.
On the other hand I found a really good restaurant and had an awesome hot sandwich for lunch so that was something.
I'm quietly excited to be starting my -second- year of sobriety. Feels good.
Morning meeting, big road trip for work, other associated work nonsense and MiL's ongoing leg pain that my healthcare system keeps all but ignoring.
On the other hand I found a really good restaurant and had an awesome hot sandwich for lunch so that was something.
I'm quietly excited to be starting my -second- year of sobriety. Feels good.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Day 368
Not the greatest of days.
Walked into the office thinking I would have a quiet restful day because I totally forgot about the three-hour file review meeting. We got done early which was good because I had a different last-minute fix-an-acute problem meeting back to back with the first meeting. No more easy.
Some of you may remember that a recent sober treat was getting 23&Me genetic testing. That finally came in by email today (hard copy to follow.) You know how eavesdropping is always its own punishment? Genetic mapping seems to be the same way. I found out that ancestry-wise I'm genetically boring (what isn't British/Irish is French/German) but lucky me I have TWO copies of the late-onset Alzheimer's gene APO-E 4. Highest risk group possible. Most people have a less than 10% lifetime risk but I have a 2% risk by age 65, a 28% risk by age 75 and a 60% risk by age 85 which is right around when my maternal grandmother got it. Joy. I know genetic risk isn't the only factor and we call people who rely on 60% effective birth control "parents" but it was still a helluva note this morning. Made me double down on my commitment to retire the very DAY I'm eligible for full benefits, that's for sure. I also ordered vegan Omega-3 fatty acid capsules and Lutein to act as an antioxidizer to go with it. Can't hurt; might help.
Also I can finally no longer ignore the fact that the dryer won't heat. Had much anger about that being One More Thing but after looking at YouTube videos about diagnosing a non-heating dryer I scheduled a service call from an authorized repair person. Not this Friday but next which is actually decent for this area but seems like forever away.
ABL's eavesdropping got him all worked up; he thought me talking about the dryer repair to Spouse had something to do with him (ABL not Spouse) going to the doctor which he hates. Got all stressed out in the kitchen. Had to talk him down.
But hey I'm dealing with the stuff and not getting too stressed and taking plenty of lie-down time on the couch with easy escapist fiction. It will be okay.
Walked into the office thinking I would have a quiet restful day because I totally forgot about the three-hour file review meeting. We got done early which was good because I had a different last-minute fix-an-acute problem meeting back to back with the first meeting. No more easy.
Some of you may remember that a recent sober treat was getting 23&Me genetic testing. That finally came in by email today (hard copy to follow.) You know how eavesdropping is always its own punishment? Genetic mapping seems to be the same way. I found out that ancestry-wise I'm genetically boring (what isn't British/Irish is French/German) but lucky me I have TWO copies of the late-onset Alzheimer's gene APO-E 4. Highest risk group possible. Most people have a less than 10% lifetime risk but I have a 2% risk by age 65, a 28% risk by age 75 and a 60% risk by age 85 which is right around when my maternal grandmother got it. Joy. I know genetic risk isn't the only factor and we call people who rely on 60% effective birth control "parents" but it was still a helluva note this morning. Made me double down on my commitment to retire the very DAY I'm eligible for full benefits, that's for sure. I also ordered vegan Omega-3 fatty acid capsules and Lutein to act as an antioxidizer to go with it. Can't hurt; might help.
Also I can finally no longer ignore the fact that the dryer won't heat. Had much anger about that being One More Thing but after looking at YouTube videos about diagnosing a non-heating dryer I scheduled a service call from an authorized repair person. Not this Friday but next which is actually decent for this area but seems like forever away.
ABL's eavesdropping got him all worked up; he thought me talking about the dryer repair to Spouse had something to do with him (ABL not Spouse) going to the doctor which he hates. Got all stressed out in the kitchen. Had to talk him down.
But hey I'm dealing with the stuff and not getting too stressed and taking plenty of lie-down time on the couch with easy escapist fiction. It will be okay.
Monday, May 22, 2017
Day 367
Drove home. Rained pretty much the whole way.
Turned in the rental car, planned menus, bought groceries, cooked dinner, did laundry...and in between spent a lot of time flopped on the couch because capital-T Tired hit hard during the grocery shopping.
Oh but won $10 on a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket. That was nice...and I hope it is a harbinger of good things to come this week. But now sleep.
Turned in the rental car, planned menus, bought groceries, cooked dinner, did laundry...and in between spent a lot of time flopped on the couch because capital-T Tired hit hard during the grocery shopping.
Oh but won $10 on a $1 scratch-off lottery ticket. That was nice...and I hope it is a harbinger of good things to come this week. But now sleep.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Days 365 & 366 - Soberversary!
Didn't plan to skip last night's post - fell asleep in the easy chair.
It's okay though since yesterday was Day 365 which is one year but today is May 21 which is one year by actual day. So they can both be Soberversary.
One year ago yesterday I drank for the last time. I had quit for a little over four months in 2004 then didn't even try again till 2015 when I realized in July I -really- needed to quit. Did almost two months and just over six months but this is the time which finally stuck. It's both absolutely ordinary and completely stunning all at once.
If you had told me three or four years ago I'd be able to celebrate a whole year of sobriety I would have been wistful but not very believing. "Too hard." Yeah well it hasn't always been easy but it wasn't nearly the gigantic overwhelming thing I used to make it out to be. And doing the sober thing makes so much of the REST of life so MUCH easier that it is totally worth it.
[Much later]
Didn't do anything special but Eldest made a cake which was nice. Also nice: had this house since August of 2013 but this is the first spring I've been here when the landscaping flowers were actually blooming. Five colors of iris, a couple rhododendron bushes and a lot-lot of laurel. Laurel flowers are so pretty they look like an artist's rendition of a flower all gathered up in bunches. Plus there was a mated pair of cardinals in the front yard. So that was all good.
Tomorrow I drive back to the other house. Wish I didn't have to but that's where the job is.
Here's to Year Two.
It's okay though since yesterday was Day 365 which is one year but today is May 21 which is one year by actual day. So they can both be Soberversary.
One year ago yesterday I drank for the last time. I had quit for a little over four months in 2004 then didn't even try again till 2015 when I realized in July I -really- needed to quit. Did almost two months and just over six months but this is the time which finally stuck. It's both absolutely ordinary and completely stunning all at once.
If you had told me three or four years ago I'd be able to celebrate a whole year of sobriety I would have been wistful but not very believing. "Too hard." Yeah well it hasn't always been easy but it wasn't nearly the gigantic overwhelming thing I used to make it out to be. And doing the sober thing makes so much of the REST of life so MUCH easier that it is totally worth it.
[Much later]
Didn't do anything special but Eldest made a cake which was nice. Also nice: had this house since August of 2013 but this is the first spring I've been here when the landscaping flowers were actually blooming. Five colors of iris, a couple rhododendron bushes and a lot-lot of laurel. Laurel flowers are so pretty they look like an artist's rendition of a flower all gathered up in bunches. Plus there was a mated pair of cardinals in the front yard. So that was all good.
Tomorrow I drive back to the other house. Wish I didn't have to but that's where the job is.
Here's to Year Two.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Day 364
Another day full of the crazy.
There was so much family nuttiness I threatened to buy one of those burner cellphones and start sleeping in my office. Got a laugh out of Spouse, which is hard to do. Humor is a far better coping mechanism than saving it all up to trade for really plastered.
Oh and getting a big bakery cinnamon raisin danish doesn't hurt either. Haven't had one in at least two if not more years so it was a very nice way to start the day. Stuck with me too, which I found surprising.
Still...I'm really glad to be in bed for the night. Really. Hugely. Glad. As I said on my way out of the family room,"I think only about six of every ten neurons are still working."
Tomorrow is a whole new day. Day -after- tomorrow is the official soberversary. Not sure how I'll celebrate.
There was so much family nuttiness I threatened to buy one of those burner cellphones and start sleeping in my office. Got a laugh out of Spouse, which is hard to do. Humor is a far better coping mechanism than saving it all up to trade for really plastered.
Oh and getting a big bakery cinnamon raisin danish doesn't hurt either. Haven't had one in at least two if not more years so it was a very nice way to start the day. Stuck with me too, which I found surprising.
Still...I'm really glad to be in bed for the night. Really. Hugely. Glad. As I said on my way out of the family room,"I think only about six of every ten neurons are still working."
Tomorrow is a whole new day. Day -after- tomorrow is the official soberversary. Not sure how I'll celebrate.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Day 363
Another long day.
Did everything I needed to do. The family doesn't know yet but I'm in bed for the night at 9:36. They'll figure it out eventually.
Been eating a lot of sweets and not doing any walking this past week - too much chaos in all other aspects of life - but I'm just letting it ride. I'm not drinking and I haven't had any big emotional outbursts so everything else can just wait.
And now sleep...keeping oneself afloat in a sea of chaos is exhausting.
Did everything I needed to do. The family doesn't know yet but I'm in bed for the night at 9:36. They'll figure it out eventually.
Been eating a lot of sweets and not doing any walking this past week - too much chaos in all other aspects of life - but I'm just letting it ride. I'm not drinking and I haven't had any big emotional outbursts so everything else can just wait.
And now sleep...keeping oneself afloat in a sea of chaos is exhausting.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Day 362
Another day full of the crazy.
But it's over now...and I wisely spent most of the evening horizontal on the couch as all the stress of days previous is catching up to me. One positive note though: despite all the lunacy I've had no desire whatsoever to drink. Even at the stupid work shindig with wine last night. Just went straight for the water without a second thought about it.
Since I'm going to be at the other house I think the fancy cake is gonna have to wait a month. That's okay; I need a big time treat for then too.
It's really happening. So many years of my life I had this seemingly impossible dream but it is quite possible and getting closer all the time.
But it's over now...and I wisely spent most of the evening horizontal on the couch as all the stress of days previous is catching up to me. One positive note though: despite all the lunacy I've had no desire whatsoever to drink. Even at the stupid work shindig with wine last night. Just went straight for the water without a second thought about it.
Since I'm going to be at the other house I think the fancy cake is gonna have to wait a month. That's okay; I need a big time treat for then too.
It's really happening. So many years of my life I had this seemingly impossible dream but it is quite possible and getting closer all the time.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Day 361
Another long day.
Still too much family drama thanks to Scylla...she's really pulling out all the stops this time. Had a lot of anger earlier today but oddly enough kinda peaceful now about the horrible lying and truth-twisting. She can make a lot of noise and gets to Spouse the way my mother got to me but she can't hurt me and I am not at all above telling her the hell off. One of the things sobering up, turning 50 and being menopausal gave me was the belief that I'm old and wise enough to say what the fuck I feel like saying and not be all worried about conflict or the feelings of those who have been awful. Had enough experience as an adult to figure that I'm basically decent and those who anger me probably have it coming.
That applied at work today too. Stayed angry a bit longer but got over that one too.
Gonna spend my Sunday Soberversary at the other house in more civilization; how cool is that?
Gotta sleep now though.
Still too much family drama thanks to Scylla...she's really pulling out all the stops this time. Had a lot of anger earlier today but oddly enough kinda peaceful now about the horrible lying and truth-twisting. She can make a lot of noise and gets to Spouse the way my mother got to me but she can't hurt me and I am not at all above telling her the hell off. One of the things sobering up, turning 50 and being menopausal gave me was the belief that I'm old and wise enough to say what the fuck I feel like saying and not be all worried about conflict or the feelings of those who have been awful. Had enough experience as an adult to figure that I'm basically decent and those who anger me probably have it coming.
That applied at work today too. Stayed angry a bit longer but got over that one too.
Gonna spend my Sunday Soberversary at the other house in more civilization; how cool is that?
Gotta sleep now though.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Day 360
Better day.
Still room for improvement but orders of magnitude superior to yesterday.
Also the big one-year mark is only five days away. That's so cool.
But for now bedtime.
Still room for improvement but orders of magnitude superior to yesterday.
Also the big one-year mark is only five days away. That's so cool.
But for now bedtime.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Day 359
Family drama, Day Two. Really rough day. Scylla was in such fine form I had to just leave the premises for a while. Used excuse "out of ice."
Much earlier night though - by 10:30 all the family in the house were asleep except me & dawgs and we are all piled down for the night ready to start trying.
Stayed sober. Didn't overeat due to anger/frustration/sadness either. Those things make it a day full of win already...but I also won $15 on a one-dollar lottery scratch off card so go me.
Sure hope today wasn't a harbinger for the week ahead.
Much earlier night though - by 10:30 all the family in the house were asleep except me & dawgs and we are all piled down for the night ready to start trying.
Stayed sober. Didn't overeat due to anger/frustration/sadness either. Those things make it a day full of win already...but I also won $15 on a one-dollar lottery scratch off card so go me.
Sure hope today wasn't a harbinger for the week ahead.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Day 358
Well technically Day 359 since it is close to two in the morning
Much family drama. Much. Still sober. Glad I'm so close to a year that even when whole rest of family started imbibing I wasn't particularly tempted. Been doing this sober thing long enough that it wasn't even really a consideration any more than eating meat would be.
Good thing too as "hey I'm a sober person" is currently one of the few positive self-esteem things I've got going for myself. Glad it's a big one.
Things will improve; they always do. Probably not tomorrow as that's the day we throw Scylla and Charybdis into the mix but maybe the day after. And once I do get to sleep I won't wake up feeling like hell so there's that.
Much family drama. Much. Still sober. Glad I'm so close to a year that even when whole rest of family started imbibing I wasn't particularly tempted. Been doing this sober thing long enough that it wasn't even really a consideration any more than eating meat would be.
Good thing too as "hey I'm a sober person" is currently one of the few positive self-esteem things I've got going for myself. Glad it's a big one.
Things will improve; they always do. Probably not tomorrow as that's the day we throw Scylla and Charybdis into the mix but maybe the day after. And once I do get to sleep I won't wake up feeling like hell so there's that.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Day 357
Not a great day.
All through work I kept telling myself that once I got home and settled I'd have the whole evening to knit. Then when it finally rolled around I was too tired to do anything but lie on the couch.
Just as I was ready to doze off I learned that not only are the away family coming up this weekend but Eldest already arranged to have MiL and her sister over to this house for Mother's Day dinner. Joy. MiL is totally excited about this new surprise development and wants to help Eldest cook said dinner in my kitchen. Color me far less than thrilled. I've already started pushing for carry-out instead.
I'll get through this and get through it sober but just -one- year I'd like NOT to have to do the inter-generational shuffle for the most guilt-laden Hallmark holiday on the calendar.
All through work I kept telling myself that once I got home and settled I'd have the whole evening to knit. Then when it finally rolled around I was too tired to do anything but lie on the couch.
Just as I was ready to doze off I learned that not only are the away family coming up this weekend but Eldest already arranged to have MiL and her sister over to this house for Mother's Day dinner. Joy. MiL is totally excited about this new surprise development and wants to help Eldest cook said dinner in my kitchen. Color me far less than thrilled. I've already started pushing for carry-out instead.
I'll get through this and get through it sober but just -one- year I'd like NOT to have to do the inter-generational shuffle for the most guilt-laden Hallmark holiday on the calendar.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Day 356
Super long mostly icky day.
Forgot (blocked, more like) that tonight was Youngest's scholastic awards ceremony which you would think is a good thing and in theory it is but in practice it goes on and on largely because the teachers - English most of all - feel obligated to speechify. The kookiest of the bunch said that she had five awards to give and the thing which tied them all together was...zombies. Not kidding. She made all five into various characters in her zombie apocalypse story: The Leader, The Helper,The Character, The Nerd and I can't remember the one between Character and Nerd because I was so stunned she was doing that whole "you make nerds cool" bullshit...
...well, anyhow my kid got two awards so I should be happy but after a lousy day at work and rushing around to get shit -particularly dinner - done before the awards ceremony I was in No Mood by the time we got home and the call to our Away Family didn't go well.
On the other hand after the awards ceremony -last- year I came home and had my first drink poured within five minutes of crossing the threshold at nine-thirty...then followed it up with three more. Didn't get to sleep till closer to one than midnight and I'm sure I must've done the wake-at-three go-back-to-sleep-miserable thing and must have felt like utter garbage the next day but not even noticed because that's just how mornings were.
This is better. It really is.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Day 355
Really long day.
Went straight from my 4:30-5:30 meeting down to campus so Middle could move home. Had to get a printer cartridge on the way home so Youngest could print out a school assignment which meant I got way too tired and hungry before I actually ate.
Eating helped though, as did buying some pre-made deli sandwiches for lunches tomorrow - I have a very low threshold for "even making a sandwich is too much effort tonight."
Wanted to do a whole pattern repeat on my knitting project but only managed half...at least I'm learning to have good sense and stop rather than pressing on and getting frustrated. Even now at almost a year it is still all about not getting overwhelmed or frustrated.
Went straight from my 4:30-5:30 meeting down to campus so Middle could move home. Had to get a printer cartridge on the way home so Youngest could print out a school assignment which meant I got way too tired and hungry before I actually ate.
Eating helped though, as did buying some pre-made deli sandwiches for lunches tomorrow - I have a very low threshold for "even making a sandwich is too much effort tonight."
Wanted to do a whole pattern repeat on my knitting project but only managed half...at least I'm learning to have good sense and stop rather than pressing on and getting frustrated. Even now at almost a year it is still all about not getting overwhelmed or frustrated.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Day 354
Didn't even realize I hadn't hit "post" on yesterday's entry till I came here abnormally early and at work to start today's. Thought for sure I had...but it was late and I've been frustrated lately. Anyhow...
I was unsuccessful in getting anyone to call me back yesterday. Figures, right? However I kept checking and checking the online MyChart because I knew the radiology results auto-released at SOME point. Well of course right after I finished my novel at damned near midnight and before I planned to start actually sleeping I had to check one last time...and the results were there. Apparently the magic number is four business days. No adenoma seen. Not on any of the modalities. A probable colloid cyst in the thyroid but that's nothing. So of course that meant I was tossing and turning and pondering (and texting the info to Spouse) till freaking one-thirty in the morning before I actually got to sleep...then woke up from a bad dream at 2:30 and was up for the day at 6...so even though it's barely 1pm right now I'm ready to call it a day. Can't, of course, but that's what caffeine is for I suppose.
I was afraid of exactly this outcome and am frustrated by it but have decided not to have surgery, at least not now or any time soon. What this means is that I still have primary hyperparathyroidism and it’s still causing the flimsy bones but we can’t easily point and say “there, that’s the spot causing the trouble.”
Most of the studies say that only 60% of adenomas show up on scans and that surgical intervention is the only true curative process for primary hyperparathyroidism but I was much more okay with a teeny little surgery to go looking for a known adenoma than I am with doing the bigger surgery we'd be discussing now: bilateral exploration to look at all four glands, take the biggest one, do intraoperative PTH monitoring and all that stuff. Longer anesthesia time, more chance for nerve damage, bigger scar...and yes, as I think I mentioned a few days ago, the scar is an issue as it would be right on the front of my neck and I don't HAVE enough of a neck to be covering it up with scarves and such -- I've favored open and V and scoop necklines my whole life to avoid the snowman effect. So even though it may still seem shallow and vain the idea of either showing off a scar to the whole world 24/7 (my primary choice) or having to learn an entirely new and awkward way of dressing (which wouldn't be possible at work anyhow as I wear scrubs now) is part of the decision-making process.
Another part is the whole anesthesia/surgery/hospital thing…never been keen on ANY of that. Particularly general anesthesia. I read _Coma_ the summer I was eleven and it really stuck with me over the years...aided by the fact that a beloved histology technician in my residency ended up dying of hypoxic brain injury due to an anesthesia misadventure while she was getting surgery for a freaking shoulder lipoma. So I'm not keen on "going under" for any reason.
And yes, the fact that my surgeon just doesn't do all that many of these and we're a teaching hospital with surgical residents plays into the decision too...more so for my family than me as I have to be all open-minded and understanding about it but my kids all know the teacher who got recurrent laryngeal nerve damage from her parathyroid surgery for exactly the kind of disease I have.
The bigger part, though, is that other studies seem to show that primary hyperparathyroidism doesn't get better or go away without surgery but it doesn't get a whole lot worse either. If I had true osteoporosis instead of osteopenia (the precursor to osteoporosis) I might consider going ahead with the bigger surgery but I don't....and I don't really have any symptoms either. Yes, I had the totally-no-trauma stress fracture and will be running around knowing I'm at risk for another but I don't do high-impact anything and am not overly concerned at this point. Right now the benefits of NOT having the surgery seem more/better to me than the benefits of having the surgery. Of course if I got a kidney stone or another fracture I would likely change my mind.
So that's THAT settled at least. I'm really glad NOT to be having surgery as you all know that the week I thought I didn't need it I was much happier than when it looked like I had to do it after all. Maybe now I can start being more excited about other aspects of my life...like the idea that in less than two weeks I will have a WHOLE YEAR of continuous sobriety.
[much later]
Did all the evening stuff, finished another book and am now in bed. THIS time I'm putting down the smartphone early.
All my family and friends, including my two doctor friends, think I am making the right decision by not having the surgery. Good to have support.
Checked my mail and somehow I've gotten on a "Bible verse of the day" emailing list and the first one was Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit. Weirdly appropriate. Maybe they start everyone out with that one or maybe someone's selling my browser history but it was an okay way to end this day. Sleep now.
Did all the evening stuff, finished another book and am now in bed. THIS time I'm putting down the smartphone early.
All my family and friends, including my two doctor friends, think I am making the right decision by not having the surgery. Good to have support.
Checked my mail and somehow I've gotten on a "Bible verse of the day" emailing list and the first one was Ephesians 5:18 And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit. Weirdly appropriate. Maybe they start everyone out with that one or maybe someone's selling my browser history but it was an okay way to end this day. Sleep now.
Day 353
Still no radiology results. Got a snotty secretary when I called to inquire, too. From tone of voice she clearly thought it was a great kindness to leave a message for the nurse...who never called me back. This was after pointing out that I had "just" had the tests because "it isn't even a week yet" never mind that I know damned well the radiology turnaround time is even faster than anatomic pathology. I never ever title-drop but the freaking MD is right on my chart and every single identification sticker ever printed for me so clearly that secretary either didn't bother to read past first three letters of last name plus date of birth or has some personal vendetta.
Also my lunch date got canceled.
So I came home, did a super easy dinner and buried myself in a novel for the night. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'd kind of like to know whether I need surgery or not, y'know?
Also my lunch date got canceled.
So I came home, did a super easy dinner and buried myself in a novel for the night. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I'd kind of like to know whether I need surgery or not, y'know?
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Day 352
I declared today a Minimalist Day: only what must be done, not what ought to be done or might be a good idea. After the family drama and with the continued unseasonably cold, gray and rainy weather, I needed to just snuggle inside and not worry about steps or cleaning or anything other than reading my current novel and working on my new knitting project...so that's what I did.
Because I made the lunches early in the afternoon I had all the must-do stuff done by 6pm and that was a really good feeling. Didn't make me less annoyed that I still have no radiology results or make me miss Spouse any less or make me any less disgusted with the most recent round of family drama (which seems to have subsided I hope) but it made all of those things easier to tolerate.
Self-care means listening to myself which in this case is NOT continuing to try to knit "just one more row" on my new and relatively complicated project...and it also means NOT forcing myself to answer a friend's email yet tonight even though that's what I kind of had in mind when I sat down at this computer just now. It means winding down, walking the dog and going to bed early because the body is saying "tired" and the brain is saying "enough" and I can read a while in bed and still be asleep at a decent hour.
Two weeks from today is my one-year soberversary. I'm excited about that but not yet planning anything to/for/by/with/at/about it...seems like there are too many other things happening all around right now. Still thinking about ordering a fancy cake though: there's always a place for cake.
Because I made the lunches early in the afternoon I had all the must-do stuff done by 6pm and that was a really good feeling. Didn't make me less annoyed that I still have no radiology results or make me miss Spouse any less or make me any less disgusted with the most recent round of family drama (which seems to have subsided I hope) but it made all of those things easier to tolerate.
Self-care means listening to myself which in this case is NOT continuing to try to knit "just one more row" on my new and relatively complicated project...and it also means NOT forcing myself to answer a friend's email yet tonight even though that's what I kind of had in mind when I sat down at this computer just now. It means winding down, walking the dog and going to bed early because the body is saying "tired" and the brain is saying "enough" and I can read a while in bed and still be asleep at a decent hour.
Two weeks from today is my one-year soberversary. I'm excited about that but not yet planning anything to/for/by/with/at/about it...seems like there are too many other things happening all around right now. Still thinking about ordering a fancy cake though: there's always a place for cake.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Day 351
Bah. It's much better when days start out lousy and improve. This one was the other way around.
Lovely quiet morning fighting with my new knitting project (I won) but then family drama just kept filling the day like water in a leaky boat. Sometimes it's like that.
The weather isn't helping either; every time I had motive and opportunity for a walk it was raining hard. Poked around the supermarket and did a bit on spinny-bike but definitely didn't hit the step count today. Resentment bag though...that's another story. Going to bed and writing this blog post are part of my active emptying of said bag because it's just too draining to haul around a bag that full and heavy.
Made a curry for lunches next week and it's good but at the absolute top of my tolerable-spiciness level. I'm thinking maybe a glop of sour cream or yogurt might help. But right now sleep will help.
Getting closer to a year all the time...even on an otherwise lousy day that still feels pretty good. Banana bread for breakfast (it's cooling on the counter right now) is pretty good too. So are all of you fine people.
Lovely quiet morning fighting with my new knitting project (I won) but then family drama just kept filling the day like water in a leaky boat. Sometimes it's like that.
The weather isn't helping either; every time I had motive and opportunity for a walk it was raining hard. Poked around the supermarket and did a bit on spinny-bike but definitely didn't hit the step count today. Resentment bag though...that's another story. Going to bed and writing this blog post are part of my active emptying of said bag because it's just too draining to haul around a bag that full and heavy.
Made a curry for lunches next week and it's good but at the absolute top of my tolerable-spiciness level. I'm thinking maybe a glop of sour cream or yogurt might help. But right now sleep will help.
Getting closer to a year all the time...even on an otherwise lousy day that still feels pretty good. Banana bread for breakfast (it's cooling on the counter right now) is pretty good too. So are all of you fine people.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Day 350
Long day but a good one.
Worked hard all day but got done by four. Went for a walk after dinner and then had a brand new knitting project to play with. Got interrupted by family drama but didn't let it get to me and even made a bit of peace via social media around a friendship which had fallen apart some time ago. An overall good end to the week.
Worked hard all day but got done by four. Went for a walk after dinner and then had a brand new knitting project to play with. Got interrupted by family drama but didn't let it get to me and even made a bit of peace via social media around a friendship which had fallen apart some time ago. An overall good end to the week.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Day 349
I've never started a post this early (quarter past six...in the morning, not evening) but I wanted to make note of something before the daily chaos made it slip my mind. While cruising the internet (okay, FaceBook) in the span of less than 3 minutes I've seen first an ad for "wine to-go cups" and now some click bait title "beer can help pain." I don't want to harsh anybody's mellow and am overall fine with "handle your high" but ferpitysake isn't a "to go" wineglass (heavy white glass with a silicone sleeve) being marketed as "soppy cup for adults" normalizing freaking drinking in public during usually-sober times and places just a bit much?!? Hip flasks have been around forever but always carried at best an underground-rebel stigma. I get that it's a free market economy but I'm just sort of stunned. Maybe it's me. It probably is.
[MUCH later]
Such a long day. Found out my endocrinologist won't be back in the office till Monday. Our hospital's Privacy Office is real assholes about not letting anyone look in their own chart so I'm stuck not knowing outcome till -next- week.
Also had Day Two of dealing with car insurance stuff and I've just given up on ever seeing spring again...we may get snow on Monday.
On the other hand I got my 10k steps in today...by watching another episode of Catastrophe while doing spinny-bike (that's what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) and I am going to be so sad when I work my way through the 6 episodes of Season 3 as who knows how long I'll have to wait for Season 4? Going to make it last though...I ended up totally binge-watching the new season of Transparent.
Also had some good chocolate today so that helped too.
Only just now did I realize that if today is 349 that makes tomorrow Day 350 which is a big number and getting so close to a year...once again it is amazing how everything has changed for the better. Not a huge great landslide kind of everything but a quiet buffing-and-putting-in-the-sunshine kind of everything.
And now I've got to start trying to sleep...the maybe-surgery stress is coming out in my dreams and in waking up at weird hours.
[MUCH later]
Such a long day. Found out my endocrinologist won't be back in the office till Monday. Our hospital's Privacy Office is real assholes about not letting anyone look in their own chart so I'm stuck not knowing outcome till -next- week.
Also had Day Two of dealing with car insurance stuff and I've just given up on ever seeing spring again...we may get snow on Monday.
On the other hand I got my 10k steps in today...by watching another episode of Catastrophe while doing spinny-bike (that's what Youngest calls the stationary bicycle) and I am going to be so sad when I work my way through the 6 episodes of Season 3 as who knows how long I'll have to wait for Season 4? Going to make it last though...I ended up totally binge-watching the new season of Transparent.
Also had some good chocolate today so that helped too.
Only just now did I realize that if today is 349 that makes tomorrow Day 350 which is a big number and getting so close to a year...once again it is amazing how everything has changed for the better. Not a huge great landslide kind of everything but a quiet buffing-and-putting-in-the-sunshine kind of everything.
And now I've got to start trying to sleep...the maybe-surgery stress is coming out in my dreams and in waking up at weird hours.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Day 348
Lousy day...and I freely admit the greater part of lousy was my own mood doing it.
Woke up hoping to have a MyChart message about my test results but no such luck...and that frustration set a tone for the whole rest of the day. Of course it had to be the morning I was getting the oil changed in the car -and- turning in the plates from the car we just gave Eldest -and- faxing the subsequent paperwork to the insurance company all on a day when I had a bunch of Actual Work to do. Cue up resentment there...and the weather was all cold and rainy and I didn't really like what I'd packedmyself for lunch and and and...well, you get the idea.
For the first time in two and a half weeks I just couldn't talk myself into going for a walk at any point during the day. Hell I took to my bed at six but didn't get to stay there - ABL freaking had to do his laundry and although he would be -capable- of doing it with Youngest's minor supervision, the _ritual_ involves me. His version of autism is way big on ritual and routine.
Be that as it may I more or less got over myself and got the evening stuff done. Now I'm back in bed for real this time...and hoping I'll be in a better emotional place tomorrow. If nothing else I won't have as much work to do which should help.
Woke up hoping to have a MyChart message about my test results but no such luck...and that frustration set a tone for the whole rest of the day. Of course it had to be the morning I was getting the oil changed in the car -and- turning in the plates from the car we just gave Eldest -and- faxing the subsequent paperwork to the insurance company all on a day when I had a bunch of Actual Work to do. Cue up resentment there...and the weather was all cold and rainy and I didn't really like what I'd packedmyself for lunch and and and...well, you get the idea.
For the first time in two and a half weeks I just couldn't talk myself into going for a walk at any point during the day. Hell I took to my bed at six but didn't get to stay there - ABL freaking had to do his laundry and although he would be -capable- of doing it with Youngest's minor supervision, the _ritual_ involves me. His version of autism is way big on ritual and routine.
Be that as it may I more or less got over myself and got the evening stuff done. Now I'm back in bed for real this time...and hoping I'll be in a better emotional place tomorrow. If nothing else I won't have as much work to do which should help.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Day 347
So the tests were time consuming but not the least bit stressful. After an injection of the radioactive stuff (cue up The Firm) it was nothing but lying on table with knee and arm rests while flat large camera is very close to face then right side at angle then left side at angle 10 min each for total of half hour in two sessions an hour apart. I'm good enough at relaxing I dozed off both times. Then at the end of the second session they do a short neck CT scan followed by going to a different room for a neck ultrasound. Easy peasy.
Of course now everything hinges on the -results- of those tests. It is possible I will have a message waiting as early as tomorrow morning.
I planned to have my good toffee when I got home but ended up saving it in favor of the chocolate pie I made because it turned out really well but won't keep. Of course I had a second piece.
Glad to have the tests behind me. Glad to be doing all of this totally sober, too - not only is there no morning dragginess but there's no self-doubt or shame whatsoever.
Monday, May 1, 2017
Day 346
Irritable day.
Spent the whole day squeezing a lot of work into a short amount of time because I'm going to be in and out of Radiology most of the day tomorrow. Had a dumb meeting in the middle of the day which didn't help.
Neither did the fact that the "away" family hasn't been demonstrating much, if any, concern or support for my scans tomorrow. Between that and Eldest not thanking me for the car I just signed over to her I filled my bag of resentment damned near all the way today. Robert Heinlein said we should never expect gratitude and he was right but it still hurts and it doesn't do me any good to pretend it doesn't. He didn't have anything to say about expecting concern. I suppose I understand that there's no point getting worked up over the -tests- since it is what the scans -show- that matters but I _am_ edgy about it, I've told the family I'm edgy about it and they know how generally weird about any kind of "sick" I am in the first place so it would be nice to get even an "I'm thinking about you."
Peace in the Mideast would be nice too.
So I made a no-recipe-just-guessing no-bake chocolate cheesecake (out of leftovers from other baking projects; canyoubelieve?) and then did spinny-bike while it set up because I didn't have a chance to take an actual walk during the day. Watched two episodes of Catastrophe which is turning out to be really enjoyable.
Had to taste the pie (delicious and good texture) even though I usually never eat this late at night and it may well give me nightmares or heartburn or both. So be it.
And now to sleep. Sleep helps everything.
Spent the whole day squeezing a lot of work into a short amount of time because I'm going to be in and out of Radiology most of the day tomorrow. Had a dumb meeting in the middle of the day which didn't help.
Neither did the fact that the "away" family hasn't been demonstrating much, if any, concern or support for my scans tomorrow. Between that and Eldest not thanking me for the car I just signed over to her I filled my bag of resentment damned near all the way today. Robert Heinlein said we should never expect gratitude and he was right but it still hurts and it doesn't do me any good to pretend it doesn't. He didn't have anything to say about expecting concern. I suppose I understand that there's no point getting worked up over the -tests- since it is what the scans -show- that matters but I _am_ edgy about it, I've told the family I'm edgy about it and they know how generally weird about any kind of "sick" I am in the first place so it would be nice to get even an "I'm thinking about you."
Peace in the Mideast would be nice too.
So I made a no-recipe-just-guessing no-bake chocolate cheesecake (out of leftovers from other baking projects; canyoubelieve?) and then did spinny-bike while it set up because I didn't have a chance to take an actual walk during the day. Watched two episodes of Catastrophe which is turning out to be really enjoyable.
Had to taste the pie (delicious and good texture) even though I usually never eat this late at night and it may well give me nightmares or heartburn or both. So be it.
And now to sleep. Sleep helps everything.
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