Monday, July 4, 2016
Day 45
A hard one but so much better now.
Slept well but the whole day was pretty much just anticipation of The Relatives who were coming in the afternoon...and I was hot, tired and achy from the previous day. Of course there was cleaning.
There was also dragging out the ladder to replace light bulbs in the bathroom...why is it that Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless (but whom I carried around under my scrubs for nine months) will tolerate abluting in only the light from the open doorway rather than fixing the problem?!
The relatives came and went and it was reasonably hassle-free and I managed to get through it but after they left THEN the meltdown. Sad, lonely, depressed and hugely resentful because dammit look how hard I worked for no recognition at all just to have a sinkful of dishes and a fridge full of food I didn't particularly want. The bag of resentment was clear full to bursting with little pebbles and medium-sized rocks and I was dragging it all through the house everywhere I went...and I was in that awful place between "I want to cry" and "I want to break things." You know: the exact place which used to be "well, time to have a big ol' drink; I surely deserve it" because naturally the next step after filling the bag of resentment is to marinate it in alcohol for a while. Makes a more volatile and explosive compound that way.
Not this night. I moped around a while and vented via text to my dearest friend and finally worked up enough energy to do the two things I absolutely HAD to do which were make tomorrow's lunch for ABL and move the laundry from washer to dryer. Accomplishment released some of the pebbles and rocks (just like getting three in a row releases the whatevers from an electronic game board) and having a couple cookies from the lunch supply - or maybe the satisfaction of having only a couple - released a few more.
Showering in a well-lit bathroom fixed most everything else. Apparently pebbles and rocks of resentment are reasonably water-soluble. Who knew? By the time I had my jammies on and had set up my laptop again I was back to baseline. Maybe this not-drinking thing let my brain become a little more resilient?
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I think these mood swings are normal. We just used to obliterate them with alcohol and now have to deal with them, our new normal. Great job on getting through the funk and back to baseline! Writing about it helps, too, I think.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling so well and did cry yesterday from pure frustration at everything and the got soooooooo angry and had a mini meltdown that I burst the resentment and seemed to revert to normal. I would have preferred to know yesterday this was water soluble ha ha. Well done at working through it bit by little bit. What is it they say? Do the next right thing then the next right thing.
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