Day 65

Weird day.

We live just outside a tourist town and today is THE tourist day of the whole freaking year so I was happy to be up and out of the house by 7:45 for the grocery run....and damned if town wasn't already crowded.  Cars parked up and down the street, people with signs for parking in their yards, supermarket crowded not just with more customers but also with staff moving big flats of bottled water and ice around. Overheard one staff member say to a manager "I already restocked [the freezer at front of store for 20-lb bags of ice] twice this morning."  Naturally this was the day that I had to make three separate loop-backs through the store because I forgot things on the list the first time around...praise be FOR the list, that's for sure! One good thing though: my aluminum foil didn't ring up so the cashier held it up for the front-end manager to see and asked "do you know how much this is?" The manager replied "A dollar.  Today anything that doesn't scan is a dollar" in a tone that left no room for argument. The cashier was fine with it; I was certainly fine with it and that's how it went.

Got home, got all the groceries stowed, had brunch...and promptly fell asleep on the couch for two hours. Not only that but I had a second one-hour nap in the afternoon...which I never ever  EVER do.  I don't know what the heck is up with that. Have been a bit dizzy (which is awfully strange: used to be that dizzy on a Sunday was just par for the course but now I have no reason at all to feel that way) but not chilled or achy or anything and the weather isn't any different from how it's been all week so I haven't a clue.

Got waked up from the afternoon nap with family drama from the Away Team but that seems to have more or less resolved itself. Damned good thing, too, because that was the one time in many days that I heard the "oh FUCK this shit lemme just get drunk and blot it all out" echo in my head. It was brief and easily put aside - and probably at least in part due to the fact that I know they -are- drinking - but it was a bit startling and definitely unpleasant.  Must be sure to stay very vigilant and keep on top of the self-care, particularly when they come back next week.

In between the two naps I felt out of sorts and finally figured out that it wasn't so much sadness as loneliness. ABL doesn't interact with anyone, Middle is always either in his room or out and about, Youngest is with her grandmother and the Away Team is Spouse and Eldest and the girl-beagle so it's just me and the boy-beagle pretty much all weekend every weekend.  He's nice and all but I have finally started missing human companionship.  I say "finally" because having been the latchkey only child OF a divorced only child I've always been used to solitude and in fact usually want Away From the rest of the family when they are around. Not today. It wasn't even the usual "notice and appreciate me, dammit!" that used to be probably the very biggest drinking trigger...more "gee it would be nice to at least have someone to talk to..." I've also been feeling all old and broken down and out-of-touch and un-hip and un-loveable, at least half of which I'm willing to chalk up to hormones but which I also think relates back to the whole "hey, pay attention to me!" thing.

On the other hand this was in between big bouts of sleeping and there's nothing more antisocial than falling asleep plus I had that drinking urge when I WAS communicating with other humans so maybe I'm just a confused mess today.  That's certainly possible.