Friday, July 22, 2016

Day 63

SO glad this workweek is over.

In the past this would have been the kind of Friday in which I would hit the liquor store on the way home and quite possibly get an extra mini to down right then and there in the parked car because I didn't even want to deal with crossing the threshold till I had altered my mood. It was only ever the one mini but always such a Much Bigger Deal than any of the other drinking because it was very poor behavior in the first place and a secret besides. I never let myself do it very often because it was a huge escalation warning for me but every so often it would happen. Once during a particularly bad patch with the Spouse a few years back I did it three days in a row - it was rather frightening how one part of me knew how wrong it was yet another part of me went calmly on doing it anyhow.

Glad not to be doing that anymore. Sneaking an extra shot at the beginning of the night means a hangover for sure the next morning because that same detached part usually said "get an extra for later too." So after a really miserable week at work I would do things guaranteed to make Saturday not relaxing and nice but a miserable day of sickness all in the name of celebrating.

Gosh it seems so silly from this distance. Typing it all out makes the illogic pretty obvious but that was where I lived for ages and ages and decades. Slipped right back onto that street barely two months ago, too - so it must be a pretty compelling even though things are fine now it is best to stay vigilant.

Tonight is okay though. Came home, made tacos (always a hit) and then crashed on the couch. I'm getting really good at just -respecting- my body's desire to veg out. After an ugly week it is totally okay to do not one single thing more than absolutely necessary. Gotta admit that was a hard one to keep practicing because I can add things to the mental To Do list at close to light speed...and then tie my feelings of adequacy and self worth to checking off the items. Stopping that particular game has been a big step in staying sober because for me a lot of the drinking was tied up in "I deserve this."

Yeah, well, I deserve better...and sober is better although it takes a while to figure that out intellectually let alone feel it emotionally which I'm not sure I totally am yet - at least not all the time - but I'm sure looking forward to restful sleep and a clear head with actual emotion so maybe the mindset change is finally starting to happen.

1 comment:

  1. Just typed a long comment and the bloody page refreshed and it's gone!! I said... Great post once again. You have summed up so much of my thoughts and feelings so much clearer than I can articulate at the moment. I too used to do the mini thing but also had a coffee to-go mug that I would pour a but into on a Saturday, in the grocery parking lot, once I had bought my weekend supply As for the jobs at home, well I still feel overwhelmed by those and attach my self worth to his much I do around the house. Thinking 'everyone else manages to do this, how come you can't be bothered, you're so lazy etc' it is a running soul destroying battle. Some nights I can sit down, others I spend fighting the urge to sit down with the urge to at least accomplish SOMETHING. Exhausting.