Sunday, July 31, 2016

Day 72

A much better day.

A good night of sleep always helps.  Woke up well-rested at just before seven (dreamed of Putin though; that can't be good) and was off to the grocery before eight. I must've slept off the sulky pouty miserable feelings because all the issues of the day before seemed more manageable and less intense in the light of a new day. All of which was a reminder that not drinking is the better choice, always. Waking up ready to hit the ground on a Sunday morning is always a reinforcing positive feeling because I remember what Sundays used to be like.

I was a little sad I couldn't manage to roll over and go back to sleep because it was pouring rain and much cooler than it's been recently and thus perfect sleeping weather but that was not to be. On the other hand I had the store practically all to myself and the reward for getting out there and doing the weekly haul was discovering a new flavor of potato chip which was right up my alley.  Had some as soon as I got home and then another couple servings throughout the day. I still count it as a win because both ABL and Middle like them too so I won't end up eating the whole bag all by myself.

Once I had the groceries stowed - and isn't schlepping them in from the car and finding a place for everything just a royal pain? - that was pretty much it for the day till the making of dinner which also helped dramatically.  Oh sure I had told myself "gee I really ought to sweep and mop the kitchen floor" but then I decided it was okay for it not to happen after all...even said out lout "there are worse things than a dirty kitchen floor" and rattled off a few in my head. Given how miserable I'd been just yesterday I thought I'd better take it very easy and baby myself as if I were getting over a cold because I know from past experience that "resentful" is a dangerous state of being.

Even after ten weeks this time around I still have to consciously remember not to let myself get too overwhelmed or "too" anything, really. I still have a hard time turning off the scolding voices in my head which say I ought to be doing something productive. In the early days it was easier to shut them down with "look, I've got to get this sober thing going again so anything else except Not Drinking just doesn't really matter, okay?" but now that it's been a couple months those voices are all "yeah yeah yeah, but you're used to it now so snap out of it already and get could be [fill in the blank.]" For me, anyhow, turning off that "should" voice is hard but important because listening to it means doing more than I want and getting that whole "I'm doing All This and nobody notices or cares" and gets right back to that negative resentful state which used to be "so I deserve this drink; I certainly earned it" and now is just a sucky miserable place to be because I know that actually caving in to the urge will just make things worse not better but at the same time I can't stand feeling that way. The sobriety-self-preservation voice which says "do only the bare minimum; make sure you're taking LOTS of time for yourself and be sure you aren't running around hungry ferpitysake" is always at odds with that choir singing things like "you should use this time to get the house clean; you're lazy to be sitting around with a book all day; why aren't you exercising; you know better than to eat that."   You know the drill.  We all treat ourselves far worse than we'd treat anyone else and it seems damned near impossible to stop.

It's even harder for me to give myself praise.


Harder still to do all of the self-care stuff while trying to be supportive to other family members. But that's just how life is whether we want it that way or not...and without family there would be loneliness which comes with its own set of problems.  One thing is for certain true though: even though it ranges from uncomfortable to downright miserable in the moment, being sober makes it overall easier to handle and manage all the crappy stuff life dishes out: not being physically and emotionally drained from the booze is a better starting place. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for excusing the kitchen floor for you and by default for me. I treated myself to some new kitchen flooring a year ago and within 2 days, 2 dogs, 2 people and I realised "ohhhh noooo this is high maintanance flooring" I feel like I can't possibly stay on top of everything on my plate and stay sober, it all seems so much. Part of me feels I maintained the basics better with drink as at least I had guilt urging me to do something. We just have to go slow for now and at least you are making it to the store at 7 am on a Sunday, crazy! I am sipping coffee in bed for another two hours.