Day 208

Hard day all around.

The walk to and from my morning meeting made the leg hurt worse than it has since before the cast and it stayed with me all day. Enough so that when I saw the split of sparkling wine my secretary had included in her present to me I had a brief fleeting "oh what the fuck; drink it" moment which was sort of scary even though I knew I wouldn't act on the impulse.

At my bone density scan - still in pain - I finally saw not just the words of the report but the actual images of my leg and even the pathologist could tell "damn, that's just snapped right through." The tech was stunned enough to say "I can't believe you walked around on that for two weeks; you must have a very high pain tolerance." Yeah and it doesn't seem to be particularly adaptive. In any case that wS when I had to acknowledge to myself that I had been holding out hope that this was just a little or partial fracture so that maybe I -could- be permanently rid of the cast next Tuesday...and then let that hope go because the images and the pain say that ain't happening.

Had some weird frustrating work-related stuff happen too so by early afternoon I was pretty much a wreck. Middle had an afternoon final so I couldn't even leave early. Brooded and had a sulky self-pity party instead which I don't really recommend. Started worrying about how much I wanted to get home to my pain medication in the form of "ohmighawd am I getting a -new- problem substance?"

Was all but crying when I finally got home -- must've been pretty obvious how poorly I was doing because Middle insisted I take pain pills and lie down while he walked the dog and got pizza. I decided wanting pain medicine -for-pain- was probably not a sign of impending addiction after all...though Eldest, who has a friend in heroin rehab right now, expressed mild concern. I told her truthfully that I couldn't imagine taking this stuff (hydrocodone) recreationally as it didn't make one "high" at all just turned the give-a-shit factor down to zero and dumb-as-a-post up to eleven. What it -did- do, however, was make the pain go away which I was all for. She seemed content with that.

I am going to make a much bigger effort to do as little as possible with/on the leg - increased pain plus finally seeing the break now have the specter of "not healing; needs pinned" looming in the dark shadowy corners.

Gave the teeny bottle of fizzy wine away. Better safe than sorry.