Day 219

So this is Christmas.

Having a rough time of it so I'll probably be off-and-on blogging all day. Don't know -why- I'm having such a quietly emotionally tense time of things but I know enough to just accept the feelings and not deny them or try to argue myself out of them. I'm sad and anxious and tense and haven't really a reason for any of it but that doesn't change anything.

The waffles were a success so that is something. Pre-visit phone call with MiL went pretty well too. Now if I could just shake this feeling like I'm gonna cry or get arrested for some unknown crime.

=About an hour later=

Spouse called and talked me down - that helped. Proposed that the emotion was delayed effects from the painkiller and that's probably a good thought.

=Several hours later=

Survived the family dinner. Of course it wasn't as bad as I made it out in my head to be; nothing ever is. Now once the dessert course is done home-and-pajamas are within grasp again.

=Another hour later=

Home in my jammies and having some quality lie-down time on the couch. Much better. -Still- not over the caroling thing but I can at least see that it is an overblown emotional response. No less real but I don't have to assign it much importance.

This year in particular Christmas has felt like something to survive or be endured. I sure hope the new year is better and that next Christmas isn'trprisingly  like this one.

=And yet another hour later=

This time I took Aleve for the leg pain which is surprisingly bad given how much less I was on it today than yesterday. With a new little twist - emphasis on "little." When I walk there is pain with rolling that foot forward only the pain is deep inside the outer-to-slightly upper part of my fifth (little) toe and it is annoying enough I just checked it out in good light to make sure it wasn't a soft tissue thing like an ingrown toenail or something. Nope, doesn't seem to be - but it occasionally radiates up the outer leg so it is probably nerve pain related to swelling and the answer is most likely "get back on that couch where it is level with your heart and not dangling from a chair or weight-bearing walking around." So that is exactly what I am doing, boring or not.

I am so very tired of all this leg-related nonsense. Now that the cast is off I want it to be _normal_ again and I think I need to just get over that idea.

=A couple more hours later=

I think overall I am getting better - had another wave of sad/anxious/freaky-at-the-edges but it was shorter and not as intense.

=And finally...=

Ah, bed. Real bed. Not the couch on the middle level to save on stairs. So worth it. Maybe I can start feeling more like _myself_ again. Tomorrow is the official work holiday and I intend to force myself to be a good girl and actually REST the leg, boring or not, as opposed to 1) running errands 2) standing up to cut out another scrub top (fabric has been on dining room table 3 weeks now) or 3) messing around in the kitchen.

Sober Christmas, even on an off kinda-sucky year is still better than being drunk and emotional for sure and waking up fresh and -not- hung over will be grand too. Even with all this Other Stuff going on that is still a greater good. Can't even imagine what adding booze to the mix would have done but nothing -good- for sure. No matter what else is going on or how bad it is "sober baseline" is still a way better place to be.