Day 225

New Year's Eve.

Working on making the evening better than the day has been. Was lonely and irritable most of the day so I went out and did some retail therapy at the grocery store. Bought all sorts of munch party-type food for this evening even if it -is- only me and my autistic brother-in-law. Middle got invited to a party at the neighbor kid's house. Not looking forward to the New Year's Day meal that MiL railroaded us into having but am hoping that, like Christmas, it won't be as bad as anything the mental possibility engine is generating.

Did in fact work on my sweater for a while today and may well go back to it in a bit. Got a bit more than halfway through _Princess Diarist_ but needed to put it down because Carrie Fisher at 19 was so smart yet so sad in a way that was amplifying rather than lessening my own negativity. Switched off Create TV and The Food Network because there was too much booze being splashed about - the craving has lessened but it hasn't gone away so I do t want reminded of what I don't want.

Deliberately wrote "don't want" instead of "can't have" because I'm trying to get away from that whiny "it's not fair; everyone -else- gets to drink but I can't" voice since that really isn't it at all. I -could- drink if I wanted to do so - there's nothing stopping me except my own better sensibility - but I don't like that person nearly as well as the sober version of me. And even though I'm having negative emotions on THE drinking night of the whole year it doesn't mean that drinking would help one thing and would, in fact, make everything worse. And I wouldn't mess up 225 days anyhow nor do I -really- think adding alcohol would do anything but increase the sad/bored/lonely and add huge amounts of guilt and self-loathing to the mix. So it isn't like I'm going to -act- on these urges.

But on the other hand I damned well don't want to see Ming Tsai make a cucumber martini with lemongrass-infused vodka, either.

=8pm=

Much better now. Stuffed nigh unto bursting with all the good party-style food I bought earlier. The dog even got leftover chicken with a slice of salami for dessert. Now I'm on the couch with my knitting waiting to see what abusive things Kathy Griffin says to Anderson Cooper. Right now, however, I'm creepily captivated by the big gaudy wristwatch she's wearing on -top- of her sweater sleeve. WTF?

=10:40pm=

Still doing fine. Better, actually, as not only have I seen drunken shenanigans as part of the evening's entertainment (one of the CNN anchors in New Orleans is going to get a tattoo FFS) but also I've been talking to real-life in-person drunk people and it reminded me again why I don't do that any more. So that's all good.

Might not make it till midnight; I'm awfully sleepy right now. Just in case let me wish all of you a happy healthy and prosperous new year right now: Have a wonderful new year filled with fun, happiness.

=Sunday Morning=

Fell asleep on the couch but woke up st 11:50; how's that for timing? Watched the ball in Times Square drop, called family, went to bed and forgot to post. Up a little before 8 all bright eyed and bushy-tailed and that is a -terrific- feeling. Out to do the shopping now...sober is just SO much better. Even when it is hard...maybe especially when it is hard.