Day 948

Oh my what a day. Hot and cold running family drama plus fresh snow.

But it’s over now and I’m already in bed and tomorrow is a whole new day. A whole new sober day.

Day 947

Another hard day. My brain has the emotional equivalent of road burn. Still sober though so yay I win.

Day 946

Bavk to work but it was a hard day anyway. New work issues, continued family drama, more car drama and of course All The Beagles All The Time.

I was all set to say “so I’m having an early bedtime” which was indeed what I planned but I just realized that with all the getting ready to go to bed stuff it is already past ten when I had been aiming for nine. Such is the way of the world. Or my house, anyway.

Day 945

The drama, it continues. But tomorrow I get to go back to work huzzah!  Given how frustrated I was with work 8 days ago, this is a good development and means the vacation was a success in that regard. In others not so much. But I’m continuing forward. Persisting. So glad to be doing it sober. Thank you Previous Me for starting that process - it is so much better than before.

Day 944

So much drama. So. Much.

Tonight my self-care is to take Benadryl and go to bed at 9:20 so as to avoid any further unpleasantness.

I am just SO happy to be a sober person: despite everything I know that my own actions have been just fine and that’s largely because I haven’t been drunk and all the stuff that goes with it. Very much worth it.

Day 943 Christmas 2018

Sober holidays totally rock. They just do, in every way. The Family Drama is always-always-always easier to navigate without alcohol. Especially if other people are drinking.

It is so good to rest and relax and go to bed early with complete cognizance of everything all day long. It’s also nice to be able to drive at a moment’s notice too.

Day 942 Christmas Eve 2018

My what a day. Family drama at all-time new peak: Eldest pregnant and Aunt in hospital.

But all’s well that ends well and being sober let me survive on practically no sleep and do okay today.

I’m going to be a grandmother. What a fascinating Christmas present.

Days 940, 941 and a Smidge:

It is four thirty on Christmas Eve morning and I don’t want to be awake but have not yet been able to get back to sleep after having been awakened by yelling for the second night in a row. Eldest and her husband drove up a day early arriving late Saturday night and the high but manageable level of family chaos expanded into critical levels.

I’m still sober.  I tend to have a mental “well of course” attached to that statement but maybe I shouldn’t because given all the volatility and the fact that there has been booze in the house I should give myself more credit. More like hey, I’m managing to stay sober in the face of huge adversity and that makes me both strong and grateful.

I am, however, really falling into bad food habits. Stuffing my face to prevent rage from erupting isn’t that far removed from drinking to stop feeling feelings. I mean yeah sure it’s a WAY lesser problem as nobody went into DTs from lack of Twinkies nor does anyone ever get pizza hangovers but it’s that same trying to block emotions with things and it’s SO easy to fall into.

But hey, awareness is the first step. And this is a short term thing.

Doesn’t -feel- short term.

Day 939

Everything went fine — they use Propofol now which is the most awesome stuff ever. I had it  for my endometrial ablation years ago and it rocked. Had 9 mm polyp which is on the large-ish side so yay Cologuard worked. From appearance and location probably hyperplastic which is zero increase in surveillance.

But gosh it’s been a rough couple months - and I still have Family Holiday Stuff coming up. Sigh

Day 938

Ugh. Clear liquid diet makes me cranky. Ditto the prep but it seems mostly over now. Nothing by mouth after 7am tomorrow and right now I’m thinking of all the food I’m gonna eat but when the time comes I will probably be too out of it on the sedatives to want anything. But once it’s over I can stop dreading it and start making ready for the holiday.

I remember a surgeon colleague of mine talking about a patient who cheerfully said that beer was a clear liquid. Glad I’m not that patient. Not any more, anyhow.

Day 937

I can’t believe I’m actually off work till these 28th. Or that I finally got dug out before I left.

Tomorrow I can sleep in if I like. Wow.

Used to be I would have been totally blotto by now in the name of “vacation!” Now that seems just silly.  Never thought I could get to this point but here I am.9’
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Days 935 and 936

Technicak difficulties last night: off the Internet.

But oh my what a difference one -good- day at work made.

Today was good from a work perspective too — will definitely becable to take a sick day on Thursday which is clear-liquids day. I already had Friday off.

Home had yet more chaos: Son went off road into tree and ditch on way home from last final. He is fine but car not so much.

So much better to be able to deal with all this crap as a sober person. Also it really -rocks- to tell healthcare workers you don’t drink at all.

Day 934

In bed a smidge before -nine- haha and that’s so awesome this is just a short note to say that I’ve caved to the Sugar Demon again — I was doing really well with not overdoing the sweets these past few days but no more. You see a couple weeks ago I flunked my Cologuard test which means now I gotta get the colonoscopy I expected the Cologuard test to say I didn’t need. It’s this Friday so the stupid low-residue diet started today which means I can’t stay in denial. That test has a high false positive rate so logically I’m not worried but there’s always that nagging asshole in the back saying “yeah but what if?”

I’d be doing better with it if my family drama would let up enough for me to even acknowledge I -have- feelings on the issue but so far not yet. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise; who knows?

Anyhow sorta grim out here.

Day 933

Not a great day by any stretch of the imagination and then I had technical difficulties with my phone. But hey, sober for the win. Even when life sucks, it sucks less without booze on board.

Day 932

Survived the week. Didn’t get a lot done and still have a pretty lousy overall attitude but I’m in bed early for a change and making the most of it. I can’t imagine living my convoluted life with alcohol still on board. Even when things suck, sobriety is a big act of self love.

Day 931

Another long hard day but I had all three dogs piled on me in the easy chair for a nap and it was nice.

Day 930

Wow I didn’t even realize it was an “aught” day. I mean yeah, yesterday being twenty-nine -should- have been the tip-off but things are so hard here right now that I’m not thinking at top efficiency.

I have, again today as I did last night, had a wave of calm compassion wash over me in the middle of Big Drama/Tension. This was Very Weird as I am -not- like that and it had a big from-the-outside-pushing-in feeling. Makes one wonder about spiritual sorts of things.

But now? Early bed. Well, no...bed not as way late as recently. Better.

Day 929 u

Another really long really hard day. But I’m discovering I have a lot of strength in reserve. Glad I have it but wish I didn’t need it. Been discovering a lot of compassion too though.  

Day 928

I’m getting really tired of lousy days.

I’m getting particularly tired of the too-much-work day interrupted by some kind of family drama.
I’m also thinking my ratio of “doing for others” to “receiving from others” is approaching 1 closely enough that I’m seriously pissed about it...and wondering how I managed to be so compliant in allowing it to happen in the first place.

Most of all I’m completely weary of the constant expectation that I will be totally -fine- with whatever emotional landscape change might be happening, willing to go along with whatever rapidly changing plans might be made and happy to be a sounding board all evening.

Can’t decide whether I’m a misanthrope or I have a particularly needy family. Possibly both.

Days 926 and 927

Weekend icky. Too much family drama, not enough down-time and three beagles.

But I didn’t drink so I still win.

Day 925

Long day but I consciously worked on keeping a better attitude and it helped.

But now I’m way too sleepy. Dozed off with 2 of the 3 dogs in the recliner chair and have only wakes up enough to get into bed, check in with y’all and go to sleep.

G’night.

Day 924

The day was way busy but I dealt with it better, I think.  Well, except for a quiet little midday meltdown over the household issues creeping into work time but still I felt better today than yesterday for the most part.

Tomorrow I have to write a PowerPoint lecture to give next Thursday — needs to be tomorrow because next week is super busy. I sure hope January and February aren’t like this.

I guess I’m not entirely surprised my psoriasis is flaring.

Day 923

Did not get nearly the work done today I ought to have done but promised myself not to feel stressed or guilty about it. Ate too much, ditto. Fell asleep in recliner chair from 9 till 11 but feel -good- about that as it means I’m gradually getting my sleep deficit fixed.

Good news: finally figuring out how to deal with dogs in ways that lower household stress. Bad news: the little one has diarrhea. It’s always something.

I can’t imagine even trying to live my current life with booze on board.

Day 922 and a Half

Last night was just a mess all the way around.  Hubby's computer broke, the kids had company, the dogs were unhappy with life in general...so I ended up sleeping in the family room recliner chair which totally threw off the nighttime routines.

I haven't been doing well lately -- not with the sobriety; that seems to be really well-grounded (finally) -- but with everything else in life.  I was tired and glum...but finally realized that maybe I DO have a lot on my plate and maybe there really IS a lot of stress in my life so maybe I should ratchet back the self-improvement from "continue to gain new ground on food and exercise issues" to "hold onto current gains without setbacks."

You'd think this would be stunningly obvious and maybe to other people it is but for me it's a conscious thing because even though the Drinking Voice in my head is largely silent there's this Other Voice which is all "I don't know why you can't keep up with all this stuff; everyone else can...you're just a slacker and never mind all this stuff you HAVE done everyone is pissed off at you for all the stuff over here you HAVEN'T done because you're such a goof off who doesn't know how to use her time properly."  Don't know who-all contributed to that voice but it's sure annoying.

And even though I'd much rather spend a nice chunk of time blogging I'm going to have to cut this off and get to the actual paying work of the day as there is a lot plus I have a site visit and a meeting -after- the site visit.

But at least now I have a good hearty breakfast on board and that helps.

Day 921

Played catch-up all day. Got pretty much caught up so I guess it was worth it. Ridiculously tired from not that much work. Also the dogs have been pretty awful these past couple days.

Even so...lousy sober days are still better than lousy drunk ones and -way- better than hangovers.

Day 920

Long day with much napping.

Coffee with my friend was as expected. Family was pretty much as expected. Too sleepy to elaborate further.

Day 919

A pretty decent day. Went to the food grocery. Cooked. Ate. Had a Roy Rogers tonight after dinner tonight — was lovely.

Got a new pair of gloves - excited about it. Having coffee with friend tomorrow and a bit more curious/puzzled than flat-out excited but looking forward to it all the same.

Stunned to be getting closer to 1000 days.

Day 918

A really hard day, emotionally. Weepy, distracted, edgy — no one specific reason. Might be getting sick. Finally in bed. So glad I’m not still drinking because juggling that on top of this much baseline icky would be Just Awful.

Now that I think on it...it was. But I hadn’t seen it at the time because it was too insidious.

Day 917

Hard day. Couldn’t get to sleep till nearly 2 and then the dogs got me up at 4:45. Kinda stunned I’m as functional as I am. Didn’t do much Actual Work today but did get the holiday shopping done. This year everyone gets a t-shirt along with their book — who doesn’t wear t-shirts? This year’s book theme is cookbooks mostly because the younger two kids will want one eventually if not now.

The family drama is on a low simmer - it will probably boil over at some point but I’ll take this for as long as it lasts.

Bed now. Maybe I’ll be wiser tomorrow.

Day 916

Ended up at work till ten o’clock. That happens so rarely I’ve forgotten when the last time was but of course it threw the whole night totally off-kilter. Like it’s past midnight and I’m still awake for one thing.

But it was okay in the end.

Day 915

Today was hard and I’m tired.

I was about to add that I had no idea why because I didn’t DO anything and then realized that was pretty silly. The household is back up to 3 dogs again and although it’s an order of magnitude better than last time it’s still more work and then there was that wet heavy unexpected snow this morning not to mention a couple of work kerfuffles. Plus the family stuff; always the family stuff. Plus it was barely 24 hours ago the furnace got fixed...again.

But I finished my book club book and it’s the best one so far - that’s something.

And sober is -always- something. Hell, way more than just “something.”

Day 914

Grateful for easy workload today and tomorrow. Harder than I thought to get back in the swing after five days away. Came home to no heat (again) and a mother-in-law issue oh joy.

Ate real food today though and it helped. Felt quite a bit better. Didn’t hurt that the local grocery has some Really Good Dates right now.

Now bed.

Day 913

A better day all around. Once I got over the morning Dealing With Critters it was a peaceful enough Sunday. Not particularly thrilled about going back to work tomorrow but so be it.

I’m doing better with the three-dog chaos this time around. Hope I can continue to do so.

Day 912 and a half

Did it again - straight to bed without posting. It's because my routine has been completely shot to shit having the three dogs all together again plus Hubby up here plus lots of family drama before his arrival. Crashed hard at 10 sharp last night with a phone so dead I had to leave it on the charger just to get it to light up again.

It is now 7:53 in the ayem and I've spent the last hour catering to critters. They seem to be settled for the moment though which means I can use this time to shake out my bag of resentment -- it got a big ol' load of pebbles just now. Why should _I_ be the one, blah blah -- well, because I'm the morning person of the house, that's why...and it's not like I don't totally make them do the nighttime stuff.

Mostly I'm out of sorts since I let myself eat WAY too much junk these past two days. When you get used to eating mostly healthy stuff and then go back to candy and cookies and potato chips in a big way your body feels sort of bloated and exploded and vile or at least mine does...and I woke up in the night with Really Terrible Heartburn the likes of which I haven't had since I was pregnant. So today I'll try to do better.

Still not drinking though so I still win.

Day 911

Oh boy so much family drama.

I ate SO many carbs. Was reminded why I don’t keep M&Ms in the house - ate -two- servings.

Family back home though - that’s good. Have all 3 dogs again but have improved the situation with them by getting a doggie playpen.

So happy to be a non-drinker. Truly grateful.

Day 910 and a half

Went to bed at 9pm last night and never blogged about my wonderful non-Thanksgiving!

I gotta tell y'all...it was pretty fantastic. This not-drinking thing rules all the time but given my history of horrible Thanksgivings from childhood where other people drank and my history of horrible Thanksgivings in teen and adult years where I was one of the drinking people the new history of being a Totally! Alcohol! Free! Person! is extra-satisfying on Turkey Day.

Hubby woke me up at 7:20 which meant I slept in a good hour and it was Just Lovely. When I got downstairs I had that yummy cornbread I made Wednesday night waiting for me along with butter I had remembered to put out so that it was spreadable. Since there was a wind-chill warning I decided I wasn't leaving the house and didn't -- went as far as the driveway walking the dog but that was it.

My roasted butternut squash and onions turned out far better than I expected -- again, because I wasn't going to bed blotto I remembered to set them out the night before so they were room temperature and first thing in the morning I put the pre-cubed frozen-but-thawed veggies on good-quality paper towels (yes, if I had feed-bag dishcloths they would have been better but I have -one- and I keep it for covering hot things out of the oven) to drain. Those two steps are what allowed the veggies to be GOOD and those are the two steps which required the cook not to be sloppy drunk the night before or hung over the morning of.  Score two points for me.

Anyhow I put the veggies in a 400 F oven on covection bake till they were just barely roasted enough for me to consider edible then turned the oven off but left the veggies in while I went to the basement to play with polymer clay and what happened was just magical: the veggies got all caramelized and the onions (pre-chopped little cubes frozen in a bag - nothing fancy) turned downright crispy and it was so wonderful I ate 2/3 right then and there for lunch and the rest for dinner later.

Good thing too since my other cooking - a new brand of Tex-Mex rice which one microwaves in the container - turned out to be inedible dreck.  Fortunately I had other things to eat. I also made up my muesli for next week because I had time and a free kitchen and the longer it sits the better it gets.

Other than that I did the same things one does on any Thanksgiving - wandered around the house, watched stupid stuff on screens, some laundry - but without the relatives or the booze or all the various food I don't like. Didn't get obnoxiously ohmahGHAWD too full either, that was a bonus.Then, as mentioned previously, when I got sleepy at 9pm I just - fancy this - Went. To. Sleep. For the night, with no fuss at all and no saying goodnight -- there's something to this alone-time thing, y'know?

On the other hand I'm glad the family is coming back later today. Last night I started getting a little lonely and it was downright weird to have been in the house this long without anyone else in it - kept hearing the dog and thinking he was one of my family and kept trying to turn every other little noise into someone else in the house - not A Stranger or A Bad Guy but again, one of the family...which was weird because I grew up a latchkey only child and thus thought I'd totally slide right back into the alone thing.

In any case I also used that not-blotto-at-night thing to plan ahead for this morning's frittata: chopped half an onion and drained a jar of pimientos last night in addition to setting out the eggs and Parmesan cheese so everything was room temperature when I wanted to cook this morning at 6:45 because I got up at the same time I always do. It goes a lot better when the cook isn't a drunk, y'know?

Today I need to go to the grocery but not till after it warms up a bit -- MINUS eight is not nearly enough degrees!  The family isn't due back till late afternoon though so I still have plenty of time. I hope I remember to write a proper post tonight.

I also hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday whether it was a holiday for you or not. And if you aren't yet on the sober side of the street I welcome you to cross over any time you like -- we have cookies, fewer headaches and _so_ much less shame.

Day 909

A good day. Just really nice. Have decided not to make the dressing after all — too busy enjoying the cornbread as-is. Turned out I hated the brand of pesto I bought but the radiatori (spelled it wrong yesterday) were plenty good plain.

Now I’m in a bed with fresh sheets and a clean doggo — has him washed before the kids had been gone thirty minutes. Sleep sounds wonderful.

Day 908

Vacation. Five blissful days of vacation — two and a half with nobody at all. In my own house! How excellent! Special bonus: a new recipe to try.

But first: wash the dog. Been stalking because once -everyone- is out of the house I can wash both of us at the same time in the kids bathroom which has a bathtub with hand-held shower nozzle. Take up the mats, throw down a bunch of towels, wash him and let him shake dry while I clean up self and tub.

Tomorrow night is pasta with pesto. Radiatore - my favorite shape.

But now bedtime. Gonna bake in the morning.

Day 907

Already in bed an hour before usual. Tired...mostly of Real Winter arriving this early, I think. Got all my work done though so tomorrow the only thing I -have- to do is the big double site visit thing but I’m going to do some errands at the end of it and treat myself to lunch somewhere so it’s all good. 

But early bedtime feels so good.

Day 906

A really good Sunday. Was up and to the grocery a smidge before eight which was grand as nobody was in the store. Well...almost. Then about twenty minutes after I got everything put away the weather changed into gloomy and windy and snowy so I was even more happy to have done the work early.

Goofed around all day and it was just lovely. Totally excited for my Not Thanksgiving I’m having this year. Gonna make cornbread dressing with fake sausage, roasted cubed butternut squash with various goodies like nuts and onions and the dried cranberries if I don’t put them in the dressing.  and the night before or after radiatore pasta with good pesto. Think I might get sliced big slab-like portobello mushrooms this week but it will end up being whatever is freshest when I go to the produce/meat  supermarket.

Glad I’m rested up since work had been so unpleasant lately. Early to bed and everything.

Day 905

A great day. Played with polymer clay pretty much all day. Finished the commission for Eldest and started work on some of my own ideas.

Bed now though. Food shopping tomorrow oh joy.

Day 904

Weather. Family drama. Work drama. Not great.

On the other hand I finished the art project I’ve been doing for quite some time which -is- kinda great. I love having productive and creative Friday nights.

And now I’m in bed which is also kinda great.

Day 903

Wow. Two years, five months and 25 days. Back when I first started I could never even have dreamed  this and here I am living it. So cool.

But must sleep now.

Day 902

Rough day. Had to do a site visit so lotta driving. Kinda disgusted with my employer these days. Still too much family drama. Cut way back on sweets. It all adds up.

But a hot bath helps amdgoing to bed helps too. Sleep is always a good thing.

Day 901

Not bad, for a Monday. First real snow of the season and still enough left that I pushed slush off the driveway earlier this evening. Not predicted to break freezing tomorrow or Thursday, either. That was a lot in a short period of time.

Fortunately work was pretty easy as was home. And now it’s bedtime.

Day 900

Hey it’s here - 900 days! Spent it being really tired but that’s okay. I think a big part of it is because I’ve gone cold turkey off the sweets. Cut way way back on processed stuff too. I figure the turned-out-to-be-nothing scary chest thing was a wake up call to work on leveling up the self care in diet and exercise categories.

In any case I’ve decided to call it a super-early bedtime and hope I get some energy back tomorrow.

Day 899

Too sleepy to post. More another to me.

Day 898

Such a long day it’s technically tomorrow. Stayed late at work due to last minute stuff then just as I was putting pizza on plates, Middle cut his finger badly enough to trek out in the Wintry Mix to get patched up at my hospital’s ER. So that took a big bite out of the evening. Then as things were settling down again my call to the bank because they declined to let me have money I knew I had trurned into a fraud report. Seems that somehow last Tuesday someone got cash at an ATM with my card number from my account even though the card was with me the whole time. Not amusing.

But it’s done now. Bed. Huzzah.

Day 897

A terrible horrible no good very bad day. Work drama, WAY too much family drama and it’s still only the first week of Standard Time.

But I didn’t drink so I win. Also didn’t overeat so bonus there. Tomorrow is the last day of the Way Too Busy week at work, praise be.

Day 896

Passed my stress test easily. No EKG changes. Not only that but at 80% of my target heart rate I could still carry on a conversation so I’m not nearly as out of shape as I thought I was. Bounced back noticeably quickly too so that was all very reassuring and made me feel good. I had a scary chest pressure episode the night I rolled into the NJ house 10-11 days ago. In retrospect I probably should have sought medical assistance but I wasn’t about to spend first 2 days of my vacation in strange hospital for rule out MI and I didn’t think it was severe enough to be full-on MI...but my family is full of heart disease and I have two copies of the APOE4 gene which is early heart disease and late Alzheimer’s so I figured I’d better get checked out. My Dr is now thinking it might have been due to passing a gallstone. I’m just so happy I do -not- have angina. Yet, anyhow — kinda feel like the whatever-it-was night have been a portend to get my act together on the food and exercise thing...

...so my new thing has been to eat real unprocessed food as much as possible and get off the refined sugar. Need to do more walking but it just hasn’t been happening lately.

Need to start trying to get some sleep, too...and that -will- happen. :-)

Day 895

I am having a stress test first thing tomorrow morning and I am scared. I know it’s “of the unknown” and I shouldn’t be but still am. Mostly scared of needing angioplasty even though I’m sure I’ll feel tons younger/better after. Also scared of this being nothing at all and looking awful — that one is real primal and relates to being the By Proxy of a Munschausens Mother.

I know the one thing I’m -not- doing though and that’s drinking. Which means I’m not having any of Those Feelings about my alcohol use in a healthcare setting. That’s one big warm hug from myself to myself.

Day 894

Busy day with a lot of stuff going on. Overall more positive than negative I think...but exhausting. Fortunately I’m already in bed. Can’t get enough of that amazing restful sober sleep.

Day 893

I do so love Fall Back Sunday morning. I don’t care for the early darkness a bit but that extra morning hour is always lovely. 

Day had a lot of ups and downs but there was one really good thing: the first (and so far only) recipe I got from Pinterest turned out to be a huge hit. Everyone liked it including my son’s friend. 

Day 892

Drove home this morning. Got in around 1:30.  So many complicated feelings about it all. Huge relief and pleasure to have the house back from three dogs, frustration over drive, missing Spouse...it's a lot.

I've been puttering about and constantly telling myself "shower then bed" for two hours now. It's gone from being "way super early" to "kinda late."

We'll see how it goes tomorrow. SO grateful that ABL wants to stay with his mother the entire month as much as she wants him to stay.

Day 891

Long day with more drama than I wanted and the last day of my vacation.

Just a few minutes ago I learned that the husband of a childhood friend died earlier tonight: complications of the flu. The first death of my peer group and it is kind of stunning. The friend and I have been estranged for several years and I didn’t know the husband well at all so I probably won’t be doing all that much for/about the death but it is still shocking.

Day 890

Hard day: full of family drama.

But I had cake for dinner so that’s something. :-)

Day 889

So much driving. So much city/suburban-sprawl/traffic driving. Could totally live without it. 

Have been eating too much - it’s flat out trying to bury unpleasant emotions and boredom with food and it’s no good for the long term but right now in the short term it feels familiar and easy. Sigh.

Day 888

So much time driving today. Still, an okay day. Drama, but okay.

One of the things which helped was realizing that time here in the “other” house isn’t vacation. Not sure what it is exactly but it is not vacation in the true sense of the word.

Days 886 and 887

Wow I’ve never skipped -two- days of blogging before. Not to worry; I’m still sober and all but it’s been surprisingly stressful for a “vacation.” Mostly, I think, because of my lousy attitude which I’m hoping is improving and will continue to do so.

My response to Saturday night angina was not worry but anger - how dare my body fail me in such an important way and - even bigger - how dare this be the life I’m living right now?! I always thought there would be all this time after I retired and although there most likely still will be, having a big ol’ brush with my mortality put me in kind of a sulk thinking the life I really wanted was a lot different from the life I’m currently living and that’s on top of the whole getting-used-to-being-middle-aged thing.

Then I turned 52 yesterday in an extremely low-key kind of way which is to say there was no fuss of any kind. We will say I spent the day “in quiet reflection” because that sounds a lot nicer than “kinda sulking” even though that’s closer to the truth. I don’t have to wear my splint but the hand still hurts too much to do a lot of stuff like knit and then this new health thing to deal with when I get back...

...and I still have drinkers in the family. I don’t talk much about it because it’s their story not mine but  for the past couple days that’s been pretty annoying too. Y’all have no doubt lived your own walking sober amongst the inebriated stories so you don’t need mine other than to say I’ve had that lived experience too.

But I am surviving. Sitting here in a quiet dark house waiting for Eldest to get up and ready so I can take her to the train station. Planning to do a load of laundry today and must remember to buy distilled water in the way back from the train station. Now that I’ve adapted to the fact that “time in the other house isn’t actually ‘vacation’ but its own thing” I think the rest of the week should be easier.

I hope so, anyway.

Day 885

Down to the other house. Stressful trip. Pretty sure I had angina earlier this evening. Helluva early birthday present—I liked the flowers from my friend and the Godiva from Spouse much better though there may be little of the chocolate left by Monday.

Day 884

Officially on vacation. Stress-ate way too much food, too. Chinese carry-out -and- Ho-Hos. After having fries for lunch. Boy am I bloated. But hey, there are worse things.

I haven’t thought this in quite a while and I’m not sure I’ve ever posted it here: although “more days -not- drinking than drinking” is a good thing on its own the magic is really in “continuous days.” Trouble is the good magic doesn’t even start till past 60 sometimes 90 and it’s tough to get there. Totally worth it though so just keep trying.

Day 883

 Spoke with my hand PA. Have official approval to stop wearing splint! Cautioned not to lift anything with that hand for another 2 weeks and to let pain be my guide for all else. Huzzah!! He even said "that's very reasonable" when I explained about the joint stiffness, the swelling and the emotional distress...so I'm not a crazy person or at least no more so than usual.

My lunch date with colleagues fell through so I took myself to lunch and had a lovely time. I have, however, overdone it with the hand. Pain is my guide but that’s okay since it’s bedtime.

Day 882

All things considered, a decent day. I'm already starting to keep the splint off more than on when I'm in safe places because the original break site is pretty much not at all sore but the PIP joint of my little finger is protesting and stiffening up at being curled into neutral position in the splint all the time and it was swollen in the morning from sleeping in the splint. Today is Day 15 since the injury so I’m sure it’s a bit too early so I will let my provider know and see how much he complains. Since “we could just buddy-tape it” was an option last week I’m thinking it will be okay. My peace of mind is already much improved.

Otherwise things seem okay. No fresh family drama, anyhow. My Lärabars variety pack came so I had the Cherry Pie one for dinner along with the last of my halvah. Not nutritious at all but at least real food and not synthetic tweaked molecules.

The hand is still really weak and I’m letting pain be my guide.

And now for bed.

Day 881

Easy at work; hard at home. Much drama.

Fortunately bed is happening soon. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Day 880

It’s a cool numbered day and that always helps. Eight hundred eighty. Wow. Bought myself a variety pack of Lärabars as a general hang in there life is hard treat so that’s all good.

Had frustrations at work but it all turned out more or less okay. I’ve noticed I now have more pain from the stiff little finger joint because of being nestled in the split all day than I do at the break site so I e been using that as an excuse to spend more time out of the splint which is great. So that helps.

Day 879

Today was better because I discovered that I could take the splint off and mouse without putting any stress on the break. That meant I could both websurf and play Minecraft, which made the difference between sanity and misery.

The dogs, however, are another thing entirely. I am so very tired of three dogs. That will end this coming weekend though.

I don’t think tomorrow is going to be a very good day. Time to sleep and make ready.

Day 878

Better day.

Got out to the Good Grocery which helped. Driving is much better than it was. While there I got the pistachio halvah I have eyed every time I’ve been in there and I’m glad I did. Also had my first ever Lärabar today - wow what have I been missing?!!?

Bed now. Most excellent.

Day 877

Today was really hard too.

Day 876

Really hard day. Just hard. Work and family.

But even so, a few nice things happened.

Still much room for improvement though.

Hate the splint. Know I need it but still hate it.

Day 875

Long day.

Sober though so I still win

Day 874

It’s for 3 weeks.

I can’t mouse at all. Or type. Eating is messy. Texting is even way harder. But it’s removable for bathing and overall things could be much worse. I’m still big time cranky pants. Can’t stay home, either as people are away.

But I’m sober. Go me.

Day 873

Well I got a good book and that helped. Work was slow and frustrating but it was good to be working as I have the big needing-to-Be-useful issue.  Had to be proactive - polite term for call up and nag - to get the “urgent referral” for tomorrow midday.

I find the whole thing terribly frustrating. I know there will be all kinds of little life lesson evolving moments along the way but I’m not done being pissed at getting sent this way in the first place.

Days 873 and 874

I just didn’t have it inme to post last night.

This one is so hard. I haven’t drunk but I have eaten four donuts in two days plus cereal plus vanilla tootsie rolls. I inherited from mother an inability to ask for help and from father the fear that not useful = not wanted. It’s been a real fun weekend.Lotta crying in addition to the carbs.

I’m hugely grateful to be sober and -able- to learn and grow from all this but I wish I didn’t -have- to learn and grow from all this. I’m asking for help but damn is it hard.

Bed now though. Huzzah.

Day 871

Long day. The hand is fine as long as I don’t bump it or move it or try to grasp or press. Pretty much most things. Soonest appointment was late tomorrow afternoon.

Got really cross and moody tonight. In bed now; hope it will help.

Day 870

Just now typing the post title I realized 900 days isn’t that far away and won’t that be cool?

Glad to have that realization as it is a spot of good against a lot of annoying. Hand was mostly fine all day at work because I could baby it but once I got home and started doing my usual home stuff it got good and sore again. I’m going to see if I can get an acute-Care visit at my clinic tomorrow so that if there -is- anything to do for improvement it can start being done. Also the whole family is ganging up on me as they remember when I walked around on a broken fibula for two weeks a couple years back. Also I can’t knit.

But for now I’m in bed and that’s very nice.

Day 869

Hard day. Morning moody then new puppy (well 6 months) bashed hard head into my little finger and jammed it badly and evening has been about that pretty much ever since. Hurt BAD at time and I heard a noise but hoping it was just popping of the knuckle. Ran cold water in it and elevated it and it got better but now it is swelling and hurting so I took two Motrin PM and am calling it a night.

So glad to be a non drinker. In old life I would have it as an excuse to drink more than usual and had a hangover on top of all else even though I have a busy day tomorrow. And it would have seemed like  the only possible response to such an injury. So glad to be off that roller coaster.

But ow. Big ow.

Day 868

Long day with bad work stuff at both ends of it. But the family took care of dinner and critters so when I -did- finally get home I didn’t have to do anything. 

And I’m in bed early for a change which is nice. 

Day 867

Better day. The bar was set pretty low so it wouldn’t have taken much but still, better is better.

I mean yeah sure the day started way too early with dogs barking and chewing right through the new leash (dammit!) but I also got a nice two-hour chunk of uninterrupted alone-time to indulge in polymer clay so it balanced on the good side.

Oh there was still a fair bit of resentment but overall it was hugely better than yesterday. I’m in bed at a decent hour and not miserable so hooray!

Days 865 and 866

Sorry about yesterday. By the time my head hit the pillows last night I wasn’t capable of anything except sleep. Life just keeps coming. Family drama, work uncertainty, doggie chaos — and today we discovered the washing machine faucets started leaking. Not the hoses of the new installation but the faucets themselves.

I had a little meltdown. Cried on the bed for a bit then watched a YouTube video and fixed the cold water faucet. Improved but did not fix hot water but I gave it a rest for now. We can do cold water loads indefinitely.

Ate way too much today but didn’t drink so I still win.

Someday it will get easier. It has to.

Day 864

Another really hard day. Right in the middle of it Eldest had a bunch of feelingsdrama which included hanging up on me twice, I didn’t get to go to lunch as I had planned, the dogs acted out and the Chinese restaurant screwed up my order.

I’m glad I’m an emotionally strong person but I’m just so tired of having to be the emotional anchor for so many ships. It would be nice to be the cared-for instead of the caregiver once ina while...but that doesn’t seem to be on the current menu. Sigh.

This is exactly the sort of thing that used to send me right to “fuck this; let’s drink” and I’m really glad I don’t do -that- any more since it made things worse not better. I realize staying sober under this kind of emotional stress is a significant accomplishment but even that feels more like a basic necessity to get through all this stuff and less like a source of pride.

Maybe a decent night of sleep will help. Sure couldn’t hurt.

Day 863

Long day. Family drama day. But also new washing machine day. Finally bed day.

Day 862

A little better, I think. Had a Big Mad in the middle of the day but worked around it. Dishwasher got fixed so one down, one to go in the appliance world.

The food thing could use work but I’m still not pushing it. Too much other stress in my life right now and I’m still a little shocked at how strongly and easily that wanting to drink showed up the other day. Best to step way back to what I did when that voice was still on the scene more regularly and if that includes ice cream for lunch so be it.

Day 861

Work still rough but I planned ahead and made myself a nice breakfast instead of relying on the cafeteria and that was helpful. Planned a super-easy dinner which was also helpful. Feeling a little closer to baseline. Happy to be in bed for the night.

Day 860

Still rough. My dog woke us up barking 2x in night and after I yelled a lot about not knowing what to do (not my finest hour)  we figured out it was because he wanted -me- so I let him sleep with me and we both slept hard-hard till 8:30. Helped a lot. Bought junky carbs (Combos - a big weakness I usually don’t let in the house - and little bakery pastries) at grocery and ate a bunch for lunch along with a protein bar — feels wrong but also helps with resentment. Got down to basement for polyclay after the shopping was done. It was excellent timing as son went off with his laundry and spouse was taking a nap. One thing I got out of all this is knowledge of how fucking resiliantly strong I am.

After dinner I took a nap - was nice. Also meant I have stayed disengaged from family as they were all off doing other things by the time I woke up. Now I’m back in bed for the night, or at least till my dog wakes me up again. Tomorrow I have to drive to and from an affiliate and I’m not much looking forward to it.

Day 859

Such a hard day. Regular readers will know the pressure has already been turned up high due to increased chaos management at both work and home. Well this morning started at 4:30 but I finally figured out it’s the damned deer setting off the boy beagles which sets off the girl beagle. I closed all the windows tight on that side of the house and fussed around the grounds so maybe that will help.

I did have two good things: a successful leftovers frittata and some really good work with polyclay first thing in the morning.

But oh the day went downhill. The dogs chewed up video game discs and I thought that would be the worst thing. Nope, the worst thing was having a terribly chaotic phone call with Eldest in which she sounded both in quality and content so -very- much like her grandmother that it set off -all- my Mother buttons. As in the ones installed by my own crazy now dead mother. And of course when I got off the phone with her after what seemed like a day and a half but was really somewhere around 30 minutes my first thought was “Ghawd I want a drink or six.”

No of course I didn’t. I went to bed in the middle of the afternoon fully clothed is what I did. I recovered sufficiently to run errands and while I was out she had the same chaotic conversation with her father which didn’t do him a bit of good either.

I broke the shopping into two parts and used this evening’s part to get sweets. Abstinence is easier than moderation which is part of why food is so hard: you can’t just stop eating. Well you could but it doesn’t go very well. I managed not to eat an entire -package- of anything which after the day I had on top of the week I had I count as a win. I also count the little nap I had before going shopping as a win.

Now finally in bed for the night. Heaven.

Day 858

Another really hard day. But at least it’s over now. Sleep is good.

Day 857

Rough day but I took care of myself and it ended up okay.

Work is both busy and depressing which isn’t a great combo. I had to do s road trip today so I made sure to take myself to lunch. Got everything done but not in a particularly motivated way.

However not only did Spouse make dinner tonight but also it was the season finale of the TV show I’ve been watching all summer. I’m kinda glad to have it done, frankly. I liked it well enough for the most part but it just dragged on too long and I started losing interest.

I also played with polyclay and that helped too.

So all things considered the day ended pretty well. I just wish I were sleepier.

Day 856

All the drama and a flu shot too. But sober and not even overeating very much. I’m stronger than I thought. Worried sick about 3/4 of my family but still strong. And tired. Fortunately I’m already in bed.

Day 855

A decent day, all things considered. Started way too early (Five! In the -morning-!) but once I resigned myself to -being- up for the day o got a lot of stuff done. Also managed to have a -good- excuse to skip the painfully long and boring standing noon meeting so that was good too.

But now sleep.

Day 854

Today the washing machine died. We had already ordered a new one as it wasn’t entirely unexpected but the new one won’t be here till the 3rd. Son, who had plenty of his own drama this weekend, was a surprisingly good sport about taking two loads of wet clothes to the laundromat. I am grateful I got mine in under the wire yesterday morning.

There has been other family drama of course and I’ve felt pretty awful about it but it’s just so much better to get back upright (Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down) than it was when I was drinking.  Plus there’s that whole leading by example thing.

At least I improved the sleep situation. That makes everything else a little less sucky.

Day 853

Barely 9pm and I’ve called it a night. In addition to all the usual chaos,today the dishwasher broke. Can’t get someone to fix it till not this Tuesday but a week from. Sigh. 

Let the rest of the family do do their thing; I will be sound asleep in an hour because I took Motrin PM. Conditioned enough polymer clay today to make my arms really sore but it’s a good sore. There’s a lot of bad all around me but I’m still hanging on to pieces of good which I don’t think I could do if I were still drinking.

Day 852: 2 Years, 4 Months

A doozy.

Huge drama at both work and home. Even some social media weirdness. Such a day. But I did it sober and didn’t even ridiculously overeat, though I did call an ice cream bar lunch.

My treat is a collapsible stepstool for the back of my vehicle. Will be useful for deploying the car umbrella I intend to buy.

All’s well that ends well.

Day 851

I just can’t get my sleep/wake cycle right this week. Second afternoon in a row I’ve been utterly -exhausted- by four and here it is ten-thirty at night and I’m wide awake. Not great.

But otherwise it was a decent enough day. Kinda getting used to the new level of chaos.

Day 850

Got a lot done today at work. Felt pretty good about that. Was exhausted when I got home but got carry out for dinner and watched my TV show while knitting so that worked out okay. It’s harder to do self care when also caring for a crazy family but it can still be done and it is worthwhile to do it.

Hoping tomorrow is overall easier.

Day 849

Weird day. Not exactly good; not exactly bad...but kinda glad it’s over.

Day 848

Kinda frustrating day for no particular reason. Then a wave of exhaustion hit hard around 4 pm. Normally I would have crashed hard on the couch for a while but this night didn’t have that option. Got over myself and got a second wind anyhow. Hit a milestone in my sweater and made another poly clay piece.

So far so good.

Day 847

A good and busy day. Crashing at 10pm. Too tired and sleepy to write but it’s all good.

Day 846

An up and down day. Delightful morning playing with poly clay but the afternoon sucked a lot. Stupid stuff made me unnaturally angry and no good way to express it. Eventually it passed.

Ate too much but there are worse things.

Day 845

Hard day. Work, home...just hard. But again I was spared actual cooking for family so that was good.

I seem to be pouring my stress into creative channels - still fired up on knitting from the cruise (even though I totally shrunk the cruise project) and just recently I’ve uncovered the tub with all my polymer clay stuff in it. I haven’t done poly clay in maybe a decade so it’s sort of stunning to look at all this stuff I made and uncover all these tools. I was pretty into it at the time but now it almost seems like someone else’s body of work. Interesting.

And now to sleep. Even if I don’t sleep in, knowing I -can- is pretty awesome.

Day 844

Too exhausted to post last night. Last day of vacation and ended up doing a lot of dog-related stuff plus got lousy sleep the night before so ate way too much Chinese carry out and crashed hard.

Work was pretty much a drag today but I’m glad I planned ahead enough to make sure I had a light day.  It also worked out that I could skip cooking OR dragging in carry out so that was good too.

Sober is always good.

Day 842

Much quieter day. Walked dogs at 5:30 but then slept in till nearly 8.

Tired so not much to say except that sober is definitely better.

Day 841

It’s definitely after midnight and Cinderella has turned into a pumpkin. I meant that metaphorically but just realized it works literallyas well. I never stay up this late but that’s what a nap will do. In any case even though I’m still not back to work I’m definitely not on vacation any more: two groceries to get us back to baseline. 

I’m falling asleep with phone in hand though so no more blogging for me tonight.

Day 840

Back home again.

When I woke up at 6 the ship was just pulling into NY harbor at a decent clip. The day has since included breakfast, goodbyes, car service to one house, brief shopping trip with Eldest, a 4.5 hour drive to the other house, an even briefer shopping trip with Middle and an extra dose of family drama to make up for a week of absence.

I’m tired. Fortunately I still have the next 3 days off work - I planned well, so thank you Previous Self.

Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Day 837

Oh it has been fantastic and still continues to be fantastic. My roommate and I turn out to be great traveling partners and we have laughed so much and had so much fun. Did I mention she doesn’t drink either? Yup, was one of the reasons I thought she was a good choice in the first place. Several others in our group don’t drink either.

Bermuda is...interesting. Many good things but such an oppressive history.

Not to worry; we should be gone before Hurricane Florence arrives.

More another time. Hugs to all.

Day 833 and a half

En route to Bermuda and it is awesome. Bit of a kerfuffle over access as “free WiFi” doesn’t equal “free internet”  which caused the family to freak out a bit when I went incommunicado as soon as the ship left port but I bought a package and all is better now.

I really needed this vacation and it is already every bit as nice as I had hoped. Bonus: my roommate and I won the trivia contest last night.

Sober vacationing totally rocks. Every so often I’ll catch a whiff of alcohol coming from the general direction of people and think “glad that’s not me.”

It’s allgood and exactly what I needed.

Day 832

A better day. Still some frustrating moments but not like yesterday. Also Middle arrived today to take Spouse, girlbeagle and puppybeagle back up to the other house for another extended visit which I think will help everyone’s stress level. The house down here just isn’t at -all- puppy friendly (tons of wall to wall carpeting for one thing) and Eldest is stressing out hugely over her L2 year even without the extra critter-induced chaos. Plus I think she and her father tend to amplify rather than reduce each other’s emotional tension. Knowing that’s happening while I’m away is heartening.

Speaking of away....it’s finally here. Tomorrow is the first day of my cruise. My suite mate called this afternoon but I still can’t believe it’s tomorrow and actually spent more than a passing moment with the sick irrational fear that somehow I had the date wrong. Dreams were all tense like that last night too. Im not gonna be able to unwind till I’m actually ON the ship I don’t think.

And speaking of on the ship...I have free WiFi thanks to early registration and I got a calling plan for my phone so I’ll be as connected to the internet as one can get on the high seas but I still may end up not blogging much if at all this coming week. Last time I pushed the envelope and stayed up way late every night socializing then crashed hard the minute my head hit the pillow - dunno if this will be similar but if so then there may be super-short or no entries. Don’t worry — I’ll be back.

Day 831

Surprisingly difficult day given that it’s a vacation Friday. Lots of big emotion about various things but I handled it all without losing my cool or eating everything in sight so big win for me. Wish it felt more like a win.

But no matter — sail-away is less than 48 hours from now.

Plus the puppy thinks I’m magic because I retrieved his toys from the car we drove down two weeks ago. I had told Spouse and Eldest where they were but they had never got them so I did and he’s contentedly chewing one right now.

I’ve started just speaking truth to family instead of something diplomatic with a soft spin on the truth.Too soon if it helps with the relationships but it definitely helps my tension load.

Sleep is hitting hard now that I’m comfy in bed...and that’s a good thing so goodnight.

Day 830

Up early, drove, was down to other house by 11:30.

Much family drama. Sigh. But I persevered and didn’t even let it get to me overmuch which is easy to  do when the car service is all set up to take me to the port on Sunday. I went to bed early instead. Have stayed up two hours since then websurfing on my phone but hey, it got me away from all the drama.

But now sleep.

Day 829

Finally vacation.

Had a lovely dinner with Middle tonight - Youngest wanted to stay on campus and eat with friends which was, of course, totally fine.

Tomorrow I drive the new vehicle to the other house and on Sunday I embark on my cruise. Pretty excited. Car is already gassed up and packed.

Sober is good.

Day 828

Tired for some reason. Bed at nine tired. But hey, that’s  okay.

I’m about to have my second sober vacation. Pretty excited for that, actually. It’s just so much nicer to be all the way -there- for everything.

Day 827

A decent enough day. Middle and Youngest started classes and did just fine. Youngest even stayed on campus till past 6 socializing so no worries there.

Did laundry so I’d start with an empty hamper when I come back from my trip. Finished packing the big suitcase. Got a temporary phone plan too so it must all really be happening. This time a week from now will be my second night on the ocean. I’m getting pretty excited.

Day 826

Pretty good day despite a fair bit of family drama. Did the shopping early and spent most of the day working on my current knitting project, which I finished.

Only three workdays this week then vacation. Huzzah!

Day 825

A low key day. Good for a Saturday. Made corn muffins for breakfast. Did a bunch of knitting. Ate a little too much. Nice Saturday stuff.

Day 824

Another good day. Got the hard part of my pre-vacation work done so the three days I work next week will be quite easy.

Stayed up way late knitting again. Even so, I know I can rely on myself to make corn muffins in the morning and not say “oh no effing way” because I never have hangovers any more. Such a nice thing.

Day 823

Stayed up too late knitting so not many words tonight.

Still out of sorts over the family stuff most of the day but eventually got over it.

Starting to get excited for my vacation.

Grateful to be sober. Feel good about the work I put into it too.

Day 822

Sigh. A bit of minor family drama this evening left me disproportionately angry and for me anger is the hardest emotion to have. It’s the one I used to kill with alcohol more than any other feeling. Even now it is hard work not to kill it with food but I didn’t. I’ve teally been trying to pay close attention not just to what I eat but how and when...and tonight when just sitting with the anger became more than I could stand I played computer games and that worked pretty well. I’m still a little too wired for this time of night but I’m so very much better than I was that it feels like a win.

Well, okay: not drinking the anger away is -always- a win and not eating it away either is another win.

And now to unwind enough to get some sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 821: 2 Years 3 Months

Amazing to think I’ve been a non-drinker for two and a quarter _years_ My sobriety can speak clearly, get dressed and jump up in the air with both feet.

I’m saving my treat for later though as the cruise is so very soon. I’m thinking I’ll put it towards the car umbrella I bookmarked back in April. We now have one more car than garage bay and I’d really prefer the kids take the indoor spots when it snows because they are the ones more likely to be running late and rushing and not clearing off the car properly.

Otherwise it was a plain kind of day. Work, a couple errands, home, dinner, knitting. Nice to have a plain day.

Days 819 and 820

Totally forgot to post yesterday. Just completely gone from my mind. Don’t even recall exactly what was happening at bedtime last night to make me forget. Oh well.

Yesterday I did the grocery shopping and parked my white SUV right between two other white SUVs - that was neat. Also the ground under our side-yard pine trees has become a mushroom garden; that’s neat too.

Work okay, family okay, critters okay. I’m definitely okay.

Saw another ad for a booze accessory: a big bracelet that’s really a stainless steel flask. For when the handbag wine doesn’t do the trick by itself any more, right?

Day 818

Wow today is my Day 818 and it also -is- 08/18. How cool is that?

It was also a very very good day. Slept in a little bit, had a nice relaxing morning and then Youngest dropped me off at the dealership so I could take possession of my new vehicle which was even nicer than I had thought. Plus I was proud of her because she drove the half hour home all by herself for the first time and although she made a wrong turn she figured out where she was and corrected it all on her own.

Leisurely day knitting and playing computer games and cleaning and sorting and just generally getting stuff done while also treating myself nicely. Used up leftovers for dinner, too.

It was so lousy there for a while I couldn’t see that it would ever be good again but it is.

Sober makes it all better. Oh but that reminds me: on my FaceBook feed I keep seeing ads for “the wine purse” which is a handbag with a pocket that holds what looks like an astronaut-food pouch with a spigot (hidden by a flap) so one can load up a bottle of wine and take it wherever. WTF?!!? Weren’t hip flasks enough? Oh wait, I forgot: we are now supposed to give in to -all- our desires as long as they involve _buying_ something. Sure you should take a whole bottle of wine shopping with you; you -deserve- it! Sure you should buy all the candy; you -deserve- it!

Okay maybe I oughta shut up now.  Especially as it’s bedtime anyway.

Grocery tomorrow morning. Got the list ready to go. Menus and everything.

Day 817

Another good day.

Did paid work, house work and creative work. Enjoyed peace and quiet. Got carry out for dinner. Nice evening and now bed. Sunday morning is always a particularly nice time to be sober but I’m getting to where I really like Friday night too. It used to be just guar-an-damn-teed that I’d be drinking on Friday night - probably the most of any night, too. The one time I found out the hard way about 100 proof vodka was on a Friday.

This is so much better.

Day 816

Busy day but good. Lots of work then in the evening Youngest and I took a practice drive to/from the college and then I watched my show.

Nearly forgot to post. Remembered -just- as I was dropping off to sleep so forgive the brevity.

Day 815

A mostly-good day. Work easy, no big driving trips, very minimal family drama and my good TV show.

Plus a pan of grocery-store cornbread. That’s a mixed blessing for sure: on the one hand it’s soft and sweet and tasty but in the other hand soft, sweet and tasty are a setup to eat a lot of it on the tail end of the little bit of family drama.

Read a great short book, too: Passing Strange by Ellen Klagrs. I didn’t think I even liked period fiction but this was just wonderful.

So glad to have a nice day. Hasn’t happened in awhile. Hope it’s a trend.

Day 814

Getting used to the quieter household. Mornings are so much easier.

This will also be my last week of having to share a car with Youngest: on Saturday she will have my beloved but aging sedan because I pick up my new SUV. I plan for it to be the car which takes me clear to retirement 15 years from now so I hope I bond with it even half as much as I did with my current car. It is exciting to think that my chauffeur days will soon be _over_.

Tonight I played computer games for a good three hours — first time I’ve done that in at least eight weeks. Took a completely new and different approach to one which I thought was perhaps a reflection on having lived through the chaos of the past three weeks.

Big time of transition: thevehicles, my cruise, new puppy in other house but most of all both kids up here commuting to the same college. New era. Should be interesting. Glad I’m a non-drinker so I can be fully present for it all.

Day 813

Got a lot accomplished today. That felt good.

Although I very much like the peace I do miss Spouse and the other two dogs. I think my dog misses them too. We'll get used to it, I'm sure.

Getting excited for my cruise: have the suitcase out and at least halfway packed. Okay, two-thirds.

Need to wind down for bed but now that the little one is gone things can stay plugged in when nobody is around because boy-beagle has long since outgrown the chewing phase...and that means my computer is still a novelty. Maybe just fifteen more minutes...

Things change. Different can be good too.

Day 812

I am sober hear me roar.

Hit the road by 7am so I was home before noon and then did all the shopping but only some cleaning because Youngest did most of it. Plus laundry yet I’m still in bed at a decent hour.

The house is way more calm and definitely cleaner and we can leave the doors open again and all of that is very good indeed. I miss Spouse and even kinda miss the other two dogs but I gotta admit there’s also a huge part of me happy to get back to baseline.

Special bonus is that I got all my steps in and didn’t overeat. Let’s just hope the week continues this well.

Day 811

Did it. Drove to other house with Spouse and doggies. Through torrential rain and thunder worse than any I’d ever driven through. But I did it.

Right hip was cramped/twisted before (from sleeping with two dogs on much less bed space) and it got WAY worse on drive though so took half a muscle relaxant which knocked me on my ass big time. Fell asleep in the recliner chair right after dinner and have now relocated to bed.

Dinner was really good though and I can’t tell you how NICE it is to let someone, anyone, ELSE be responsible for getting it and dealing with the dogs.

Bed at 8pm because half a Flexoril is putting my lights out is SO much better than drunk by eight but just getting started with the talking and the emotions.

Day 810

I finally made it. Tomorrow I take Spouse, girl-beagle and beagle-pup back to the other house. I love them all, of course, but we had no idea how chaotic -three- dogs would be. Just like toddlers, you get politics. And beagle-pup has reached that gangly older-puppy into-EVERYthing stage. So although I’m sure I will miss some things there are others I can’t wait to have gone.

Not a day too soon, either: found myself taking a two o’clock crying break in my office this afternoon. Not sure I’ve ever done that before. Continued bits of bad work news on top of continued bits of family drama laid in a background of poor sleep for days and the lingering post nasal drip/cough were all just a little overwhelming. Plus noon book club really sucked today and I’d been genuinely looking forward to it. Very poor attendance and one of the people who did attend monopolized the conversation with life-story instead of book talk.

I’m strong; I bounced back.

Now that this grand adventure is winding down I can start seriously anticipating my next grand adventure which is the knitting cruise I booked months and months ago. That will be a much deserved and most enjoyable week.

I’m just so glad to be a sober person. Even though it was hard last week it’s still very much the right choice for me.

Day 809

More bad work news, more actual work and more family drama. Joy.

But I had no urges to drink so it was a good day anyway.

Extra bonus was that it was not just the night of my tv show but a really good episode of same _and_ I got on the scales for first time in ages and haven’t blown up the way I thought I would.

Day 808

The best thing about this day was zero urge to drink at all. The cold getting better was another good thing and being in bed at 9:30 makes three.

There was a lot of not-good too though. The usual dog craziness, a really annoying work issue and more gloomy financial work news. Plus a meeting from 5 to 6 pm which is a really rotten time.

The rest of the family’s drinking is really irking me tonight; that’s part of why I’m in bed so early. They can have their fun but please do it without me. And please don’t act all disappointed about “oh you’re not staying with us?” either. No, I’m not. Even in the best of moods I find sitting around listening to y’all get louder, more opinionated and viciously sarcastic as the evening progresses to be only barely tolerable so there’s no way I’m dealing with it in my present mood. If that makes -me- the bad guy so be it.

Day 807

The cold is quite a bit better than this time last night but there’s still room to go. I took a sick day from work which is quite unusual for me...and damned if they didn’t call me at home about something anyhow. That irked me but hey, whatcha gonna do?

I still have quite a bit of resentment going on about this and that but at least the horrible “maybe you should drink” urges seem to have passed. Thursday, Friday and Saturday -totally- sucked that way with Sunday only marginally better. To (probably mis) quote Caroline Knapp: and you think the craving will never pass but it always eventually does.

I’d like some unexpected -positive- things to start happening though - that would be nice.

Day 806

Went to bed thinking my allergies were just -really- acting up. Nope: head cold. Declared itself assertively when I woke up this morning. I’ve been stressed and miserable deeply enough for long enough I’m not even surprised.

So I did what I had to do, took two Benedryl and went to bed for  the night at 9:30. Rest of family drinking — glad not to have to be social at all.

Hoping to sleep the worst of it off.

Saturday morning I take Spouse and the two extra dogs back to the other house. Can barely wait.

Day 805

Another really emotionally hard day. Family drama up close and personal. I’ve been eating like a freaking pâté goose and I don’t even care because fighting the urge not to freaking -drink- has been hard enough. Not particularly happy with using sugar like a freaking drug but as I’ve said a million times nobody ever woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and with pounding heart after too many cookies. Nor did anyone ever get a hangover from pie.

I am so tired of being strong. So. Tired.

But hey...I didn’t drink so I still win.

Day 804

Really rough day. Just rough. In emotional survival mode. Ate way too much food but don’t care. Not drinking is enough.

Day 803

Another really emotionally hard day. The one-two punch of stress at both work and Home is getting to me.

Enough that this blogging thing has saved me again: in the late afternoon and early evening That Voice was so loud and so sirenlike that even “what, and give up more than two _years_?!!?” wasn’t quite a strong enough reply but “and howinhell would you tell the blogosphere about -that-, huh?” was enough. Praise be. Accountability helps - it really does. I was sitting with “aw fuck it; what’s the point of staying sober when it’s going to crap around you anyway?” for way more of this day than I liked...but I got through it. No booze.

I had pizza -and- one of those individual fruit pies which aren’t ever as good as you think they’re gonna be and started a new knitting project. The urge faded eventually.

Bedtime now. The sleep will be restful and shame free.

After all, nobody ever, anywhere, woke up and thought “gee, I wish I’d gotten good and drunk last night. I really regret not drinking.”

Day 802

Hard day.

Got lousy sleep and had to use a fleet car for my work-related site visits and heard bad work news and family drama and was just SO depressed and glum so -much- of the day.

Then of course the very first thing which happens as soon as I cross the threshold is walking the adult dogs and cleaning up after the puppy and I have _lots_ of feelings about that lemmetellya but in this case trading really down for pretty pissed off wasn’t entirely awful because pissed off is so much more energetic.

But now bed. 

Day 801

Up and down day. Work stuff. Home stuff. Emotions. Dogs.

Basically okay. Got myself some new pants as a treat. Starting to get excited about the cruise.

Day 800

Wow. Eight hundred days in a row no booze at all. That’s me! Who’d’a thunk it?!?

Not only that but it is so -much- a part of me that I didn’t even think of it till right now...although maybe I would have if I didn’t have so very much chaos floating around all the time.

In any case it’s a cool thing.

Day 799

There wasn’t a bruise at all. Flat on my back with an ice pack totally did its job. So hooray for that.

Rest of the day was pretty lousy though.

Still — a lousy sober day is still a _sober_ day.

Day 798

Today was a really hard day.

In addition to the new three-dig baseline there was family drama and my dog got so excited about going out that he jumped as I was putting on his leash. Dogskull bashed my right cheekbone hard. It REALLY hurt. Stunningly so - I cried like a little kid which triggered the floodgates. I bawled all throughout getting a bag of veggies from the freezer and collapsing into the recliner chair and eventually the family investigated. I stayed in the chair with that ice for a good 45 minutes, boring though it was, and I am cautiously optimistic I kept it from bruising. Cautiously. We will know in the morning.

Part of why I’m so glad about that is because it is a universal constant across the globe that if we see a woman with facial bruising everyone’s first thought, no matter how brief or in passing is “I wonder what man did that to her.”

I still had a whole full weekend day of stuff afterwards though, like it or not, and I did it all but was smart enough to ask for help a couple times. Progress.

Had drinking thoughts. Just thoughts, just in passing, but I got as far as “and it wouldn’t help anything - would make it all worse, in fact - and you’d be blowing more than two -years-.” Stress plus family drama plus other drinking family members plus media...but I didn’t drink and I’m not gonna drink and that’s that.

I’m gonna go to bed is what I’m gonna.

Day 797

For as much chaos as this house has it was a decent Saturday. Got a fair bit of knitting done and trekked down to the good grocery store - with re-useable tote bags for the first time ever and that worked out really well.

Listened to most of “Nanette” for a second time; that worked out really well too. I so rarely agree with popular opinion but everyone is totally right about Hannah Gadsby. Awesome art history major.

I’m starting to get used to the huge amount of chaos but I gotta say there’s a part of me already looking forward to August 13 which will be the first day the house is back to its one-dog routine.

An incidentally nice thing about a sober Saturday night? One remembers to put butter out so it will be  soft enough to make banana bread in the morning.

Day 796

Long stressful day. Three is still a helluva lot of dogs. Pads so helpful I ordered a bunch online.

Looking forward to sleeping in. May not happen but the thought that I -can- go back to sleep after dealing with critters is a nice one.

My new small ceramic bowls came during the week - early, in fact - and although rearranging shelves to make room was higher priority I’m glad I can now finally unpack and wash them.

I’m also glad I’ve finally got sense enough to -not- push and try to do it all tonight. I’m awake late enough as-is. But it was pleasant.

Day 795

Got my new glasses! They’re really pretty too. Bad news is that after 3 weeks without bifocals the eyes have to adjust all over again. Good news is that the adjustment is faster than the first time.

Also saw a -really-nice- rainbow with Youngest on the way home after picking her up from work.

Kinda makes up for some of the Dog Chaos.

Day 794

Better day: much less drama.

No other thoughts though. All good wishes to everyone out there.

Day 793

Work was really easy and I wa happy about that because there was plenty of family drama to take up the slack.

I’m so glad I’m sober; life would just be impossible these days if I were still drinking.

Day 792

I just now realized that Saturday was my two years and two months soberversary. Totally forgot about it till now.

Went back to work and that was okay although I hadn’t been there a whole two hours before the tension was back. Such is the way of the world.

Had some family drama too - doesn’t it just figure?

However it is really good knowing that I’m gonna wake up feeling totally fine because I have managed to get off the booze roller coaster. I don’t know how I could possibly live the life I’ve been living and still have alcohol on board - I’d be half-dead and fully in despair all the time...oh wait, I was.

This is better. Life is still often hard and occasionally sucky but it’s not -ever- as bad as the drinking/loathing cycle.

Day 791

Every day some new bit of drama.

On the plus side the new puppy is really getting acclimated to doing his business only on the puppy-pads which is a big help. There’s still a -long- way to go but I can see progress in a week so that’s something. Also on the plus side I did -not- eat All The Carbs today.

On the minus side both Eldest and MiL saw fit to act out.

But hey, sober and in bed at 9:30 for the win.

Day 790

Today was much better.

Of course the bar was set awfully low.

I’m still kinda heartbroken about Middle whenever I stop to think about it but for good or bad I’m only able to think about it here and there whenever other stuff isn’t taking precedence.

However I got at least two if not three good hours of knitting time in so that felt vacation-y. Shame that it’s my next to last vacation day to feel like that but better late than never.

Also a pair of pants that were too small when I bought them fit now — that was pretty cool.

It’s the middle of summer but I’ve god cracked chapped hands from washing them so much. Sigh. But it’s incrementally better each day.

Day 789

What. A. Day.

I think I mentioned that our son, the Middle Child who is living at home and commuting to nearby state college (math major; starts his senior year next month) turned 21 on Tuesday. I know I mentioned yesterday’s work reception going really well. I was happy about that although new shoes meant my feet were killing me before it was over - might have mentioned that too. 

The dogs even let me have a decent amount of sleep last night. However as I was sitting down to breakfast this morning at 7 ish, our son called, surprised to be waking up at the hospital.  The local hospital for a town of 2000. The local hospital where I work as a department chief which is why I had the shindig the night before. He needed picked up and a female voice on the phone called out to bring a change of clothes. 

So I went to his room and found pants and a shirt but went nuts looking for underwear. Who the fuck runs out of -underwear- for fucks sake?!? Grabbed yesterday’s pair off the floor - fuck it. 

Then I went on a -very- long 6-mile drive to the hospital. Apparently he got blackout drunk and mouthy as hell at the for-locals (as opposed to tourists) bar. No legal issues of any kind, praise be. I had been so worried. Could have been helluva lot worse. So. Much. Worse.  He did not seem to appreciate that aspect of things - well not at 7:30 in the morning still half-drunk from the night before - but I certainly do. 

He was hauled into the ED to sleep it off; was in disposable scrubs when I arrived due to puking. I confirmed with hospita security officer there was no legal wrongdoing . Officer also explained that he was in a crisis (psych) unit bed because he had “some salty language” which was disturbing others, said “hey you had sober friends driving” ( which did my heart good) and returned his belongings. 

Later that morning his sober friend showed up at the house to return his cellphone and fill in the details. Apparently everyone bought my (5’5”, 130 lbs, jeans waist 30”) son shots because of the recent birthday and bihghawd he drank all of them. After having eaten zero food that day.  “Tried to start three fights” which I think means pushed some people and then was outside loudly and violently vomiting when law enforcement showed up and made his friend take him to the ED - ensured compliance by following in the police vehicle. They got to ED and there were “seven sheriffs” who likely happened to be there for other reasons but when son was put in wheelchair & saw all of them he decided in his drunken state to make a run for it (?!!?) and was grabbed, thrown against a wall and handcuffed -then- wheeled into ED. 

Apparently he settled down after that.

On top of a home repair and the three beagles that was just one thing too many. I’m shot. Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt (that’s a quote from MASH which is a TV show that hasn’t aged particularly well imho.)

I have been eating All The Carbs today for the first day in a long time and don’t even care. 

Fortunately the beagles are starting to act less crazy all day long. But damn, just damn.

Day 788

Long day. The work thing went great but damn three dogs is a lot. I’m doing it and even still getting knitting time in but it’s more tiring than I expected.

Club soda pineapple juice was a great drink. Very refreshing.

Day 787

Long day. The boy dogs -love- to play with each other but it gets tiresome after a while and just doing the food/walks/gated areas routine is draining. Puppies are -lots- of work.

Then the furnace went out. No hot water. Joy. They fixed it but I really didn’t need One More Thing.

But bed now praise be. 

Day 786 and a half

Didn’t post last night. Sorry about that - usually it’s the last thing before bed and I think this makes the third or maybe fourth time I’ve missed since I started this journey. Nothing bad...just the chaos of a new puppy interacting with the established dogs. I had forgotten. SO glad I took the week off as night before last - first night of all 3 dogs - I got very broken sleep and last night I had to take all the toys away because the two boy dogs thought playing keepaway at midnight was s fine thing. They’re chasing each other right now in fact. The girl dog, who is the oldest, can’t be bothered but my dog thinks the puppy is the greatest thing ever and vice versa.

While I was out yesterday I heard an ad on the radio that totally stunned me: it was for “Arnold Palmer Spiked Iced Tea.” WTF?!!?  That’s like an ad for Roy Rogers beer or Shirley Temple wine and I just can’t figure out who in the world thought this was a good idea. Clearly the company knows what an Arnold Palmer _is_ because the ad mentioned half tea and half lemonade but ferpitysake doesn’t anyone remember why it’s called that?!? The booze industry sucks.

Sobriety, however, rocks. I can’t imagine doing this puppy business hung over.

Day 785

Long day but good one.Brought Spouse and dogs (yes, plural - they got a puppy down there) back up here and I’m so happy to have him home a while. Boy is there a lot of dogs.

I’m so happy to be sober. No way could I keep up if I were still drinking.

Day 784

Emotionally draining day. Much family drama, but better now I think.

I had forgotten that one of the (many) really valuable things about sobriety is that it makes you so much more emotionally resilient. In addition to ones own emotions not vibrating up and doen rapidly there are bigger shock absorbers when hit with the big emotions of others. Very worth it.

Day 783

Drove down to the other house today. It’s been...okay I guess. I’m hoping sleeping late and having absolutely nothing I -need- to do will help my mood as it hasn’t been the greatest.

But hey, sober for the win.

Day 782

Sigh. Finally on vacation. Don’t have to go back for nine whole days.

It was a busy day but a good one. Fell down the internet well and now it’s past my bedtime but that’s okay.

Day 781

Started the day crabby but got better as it progressed.

Barometer of my stress level: yesterday evening looked at gas gauge and was all “holy shit it’s down below 7/8 and I just filled tank Monday morning WTF?!!? Was all worried something might be seriously wrong with 7 year old car. Tonight it finally clicked: Duh...instead of going into town and back 1x per day I’ve been doing it 3x per day: go to work, home at lunch to take Youngest to work, home myself then back into town to pick her up. Normally it wouldn’t have taken me 24 hours to sort that out.

I’m hoping that trading work stress for family chaos will be an improvement. Saturday Youngest and I are going down to the other house to fetch Spouse (and girl-beagle and new puppy) up here for an extended visit and I have next week off.

Tonight I am just SO happy to be a sober person.

Day 780

Not the greatest of days.

At lunchtime I had to  run home to take Youngest to work and noticed a new door ding on the passenger side of my car.  I have one on the driver's side from last fall/winter so I guess this is my spring one. You'd think people would be more considerate of their CO_WORKER'S cars but apparently not. Of course it's possible it happened in a different parking lot elsewhere in town and I just didn't _notice_ it till lunchtime today but still.

After dropping her off I wanted to stop by the hardware store. In doing so I drove right by my favorite local restaurant and noticed that even though tourist season is in full swing the parking lot didn't seem too crowded so I thought after the hardware store I'd take myself to lunch. Well I parked, went in and just ahead of me in the line to be seated was a group of maybe four people who said they needed a table for "let's see...five and five and I think another four or maybe five---fifteen please."  So the hostess took off to the depths of the restaurant with them and I waited.  And waited. And realized that the music from the other side of the restaurant was loud and unpleasant and that if they were seating big groups they'd probably ask if I'd mind sitting at the bar - which was what I did last time I ate there and it was fine but for some reason I didn't really want to do that today.  I pondered that as another two or three groups of tourists came in after me -- one group waited behind me and was talking about all the people who would be joining them, one group milled about not understanding the big "wait to be seated" sign and the third group went on back because apparently they had friends who had gone on ahead. That was when I realized that I just didn't want to eat there any more: no way would the experience or the shrimp be worth the hassle. So I left before the hostess came back and ended up getting a wrap from my work cafeteria.

Got home and one of the new floor tiles is still wanting to warp. Yesterday when I emailed him, the installer said put a weight on it which I did; I'm hoping another day will do the trick because it's gonna be a real hassle to schedule getting him back to do anything further as I'm really busy this week and out of town from Saturday morning till Monday night.  Then the knitting project didn't go well at all. But hey, I'm surviving and I'm surviving sober so I win.

 

And now it's bedtime. Past bedtime actually---I just don't get sleepy the way I used to and I'm not sure why. Still waking up at the same time in the morning so it's not like I'm sleep-deprived...weird.

Day 779

Woke up with a -bad- case of the mean reds but it eased off as the day continued. Sort of.

Work blew up into majorly busy and I’m heavily into a knitting project so it’s amazing how fast the time has flown by these past two days. I looked up and realized “crap, it’s time for bed!” Nice when that happens for sober reasons.

Day 778

The stairs and upstairs hallway look great. It was also very nice to spend pretty much -another- whole day sitting in my easy chair knitting.

Hoping work isn’t too horrible tomorrow in trade-off for today.

Kinda brain-dead — I think it’s because the big stress of the floor is over. But sleep should help.

Day 777

Youngest came home from work last night with big plans to stay at a friend’s house overnight after her work shift today and return the car to me first thing in the morning tomorrow. I said okay and she was up and dressed and out the door this morning before 8 so she could go have coffeee/breakfast with friends.

This actually made me a bit sad - I kind of get the empty-nest thing a bit now - but I happily spent the day knitting and -not- going grocery shopping or cooking.

Now I’m trying really hard to go to sleep before I decide I’m hungry enough to get up and have a little snack. Don’t need a snack at all.

Day 776

A quiet around-the-house kind of day. Post office in the morning and grocery/Chinese carry-out in the evening but a whole lot of sitting around knitting in between. Finally heard Hannah Gatsby’s Nanette and see why everyone has been going on about it.

So far so good.

Day 775

If the attention to underlayment detail is a good gauge then the new flooring should be really nice. Having a day to futz around with my knitting was incredibly beneficial too.

The heat wave broke enough for me to try a new cookie recipe: lemon polenta. By request of a friend so I’ll send some to her. It’s a good enough recipe to keep but like any other lemon thing in the world ya gotta add lemon extract.

Debating the merits of a cookie recipe on a Friday night — never thought I’d actually be this person but I think I like her.

Day 774

Long day. My new knitting project came so I started it. Fiddly and annoying at the beginning; seems to be getting easier.

Stripped sticky-tiles off upper landing/hallway — that was more work than I expected. Should have allotted WAY more time for it. Then Youngest came home, read online about using an iron to soften the tile and got the rest up in a fraction of the time with far less effort. The very definition of “work smarter not harder.”

Tomorrow the floor people will come and I’m looking forward to having a day of basically doing nothing but sit in my chair keeping and ear out for the workers.

Day 773

A mixed day. I did stay in my PJs all day and I did some organizing of the house and I did a lot of knitting and crocheting...but there was still a fair bit of drama.

Also I kept thinking it was a weekend day - sometimes Saturday and sometimes Sunday but this middle-of-the-week day off thing had me kind of discombobulated.

Even so...US Fourth of July is pretty high up the Drinking Holidays list so there is always a certain pleasure in doing it sober.

Day 772

long tiresome drama filled day. But I didn’t drink so I win.

My plan is to sleep in and stay in my pajamas all day tomorrow.

Day 771

Sharing the car with a kid whose “part-time” job hovers right at 40 hours is already getting old and we are only a week in.

Maybe the pain is making me crankier than usual. It is much improved but not entirely gone yet.

More likely the emotional stress generated by the other house is making me both cranky and sad.

But now that Youngest is home I can just go to bed. After two years, one month and eleven days I can say with some certainty that going to bed early is always -always- a better choice than relaxing with a cocktail. Doesn’t seem that way for a while but yup, it’s true.

Day 770

For a take-it-easy kind of day I sure ended up doing a lot of sorting in the basement. Oh well.

The heat wave is pretty miserable since not very many windows in this house can take air conditioners and we don’t have central heating/cooling or ductless heating/cooling. Someday.

Got stuff done but kept everything low key - I’m getting better at that.

Day 769

Today was very productive - I  went slowly but I got stuff done. Mostly the stuff was getting the hallway around staircase painted.

Had a bad wave of pain after lunch but it went away after maybe 45 min and stayed gone. Took second Zantac before having a water ice (coconut - yum) and some crackers. So far so good. Will continue bland-bland diet another few days then start easing back to more protein  but figure I should stay on Zantac a full 10-14 days.

The pain was so bad and weird and piercing yesterday I had considered pancreatitis even though there was no good history for it.

And now to bed.”0

Day 768

Quiet day but I had bad abdominal pain all day. Last night I thought it was just rich food indigestion but the pain was there/came back in the morning and has been with me all day. Radiating to the back, associated bloating, no interest in food. A Zantac and TUMS helped enough that I had some rice cakes but now I’m in bed and the pain is back. If a weekend of babying doesn’t make it a LOT better I’m getting it checked out next week. My best guess is that I’ve gone and gotten a duodenal ulcer.

In any case it made the day hard so I went to bed at quarter past eight. When in doubt just go to bed.

Day 767

A pretty good day. No -new- crazy at least which is something.

A book I pre-ordered came out today and it’s even better than I hoped. Also saw another episode of the TV show I said I’d watch with my internet friend.

Really sad about the death of author Harlan Ellison - he meant a lot to a younger me. Before him I didn’t realize fiction could be -angry-.

Time for bed. I haven’t said it in a long time but it’s just so -nice- to always remember going to bed and never wake up dizzy and nauseated.

Day 766

Surprise! Today was a Big Family Drama day. Haven’t had one of those in a while.

I wish I had as much success with emotional eating as I’ve had with drinking. Ah well, nobody ever woke up with a three-cookie hangover.

Day 765

A good day.

Easy work day, Youngest liked her first day and I got more house-fixing-up done. Even in bed at a decent hour.

Happy Monday to all.

Day 764

Hard day. Didn’t think it would be but it was. Youngest graduating made me remember my own high school graduation and how weird it was and what a mess my birth family situation was. However in spite of my own strange emotional brew I made her a strawberry bagel to take with her to pre-graduation assembly partly because she was running late and partly to make a nice low key memory we could both keep. It was a happy coincidence I had purchased fresh strawberries during the morning shopping.

The event itself was hard because it is an outdoor venue but they have it rain or shine and it rained. Had to bring umbrella and chair and towel. And then Scylla and Charybdis, my in-laws, found me and were...well, themselves. Plus way tired from yesterday. Plus “in public.” Hard.

So I just went to bed. Not for the night as I have the lights on and door still open but just for some nice horizontal time. No energy for anything else.

I can hear Middle playing virtual reality video games with his buds online and I can hear Youngest online with her friends apparently just chatting. They are good kids. I should relax. It’s a whole new week tomorrow.

Day 763

I got so much accomplished today. It was great.

Tomorrow Youngest graduates. It will likely rain but even if it does theyveill have it at the outside venue anyway. Bring folding chair and towel and umbrella. Only if -lightning- will they move to indoor venue because only 4 people per graduate can go if indoors. Since class of 60 or 70 I think this wouldn’t be a problem but nobody asked me.

It feels good to be getting the house fixed up bit by bit.

But now sleep.

Day 762

Got my car back! Huzzah!

Just as last weekend was “finish cleaning out basement and closet” this weekend is gonna be “curtains.” Nothing fancy - whatever the local discount stores have - but I’m finally gonna cover up the ugly mini blinds in the family room and swap out the carefully draped sheet that Eldest was using before that room became ABLs and I got new light-blocking curtains for the master suite which are already up so I can see how well they block the light in the morning.

Sunday Youngest graduates high school - I’m still in total denial.

I have a drinks-appetizers thing for work on July 19 — already thinking to ask for pineapple juice and club soda. It’s at a serious enough place for there to -be- pineapple juice.

But now to bed.